Feeling scared and frustrated
Dear Everyone,
I'm a new member to the site and I'm just posting as I've recently had a knock back and felt the need to share.
I've been diagnosed with RRMS for six years but have only had a couple of relapses in that time. I live with a degree of pain in my limbs which I manage with Gabapentin. I have a young family and I have to watch my energy levels; but I have managed to hold down a reasonably serious job and have been progressing well. If I catch something off the kids it can knock me for six and I do spend a lot of weekends resting but on the whole I had felt very lucky.
For the last couple of months I have been finding work harder and harder. My energy levels are low and no matter how much I rest I don't feel reenergised. I can motivate myself to get my body to work but I can't use the motivation to focus my mind. My cognitive powers and ability to focus on writing documents drops in the afternoons and my stress levels have been building as I'm finding it harder to keep on top of things. Two weeks ago I crashed! I could hardly get myself out of bed for a week and I am still signed off work. My brain is mushy and my body is heavy and although I'm not stuck in bed I don't feel confident going out on my own.
I feel guilty about taking time off work. I'm embarrassed that I haven't been able to push on through using my will power and I'm scared that my cognitive ability won't return. I've started to feel stressed about my future ability to provide for my family and I'm dreading the conversations with work. I have a great employer and I have been open about my condition but it was a lot easier when I was more in control.
Hi @dougs. Don't feel guity, add up all the sicky days off here and that that others do. Pushing through has probably caused you to crash. Cognitive wise, after my major relapse I had to quit 2 uni courses after losing the ability to read and understand words let alone maths equations! I took a few months off work and even then I went back too soon and my ability to perform was patchy!! But it did come back, I was terrified, I felt I was getting stupid really really stupid. Now I'm back to my old self and putting systems into place that would help if my brain goes funny again! Don't beat yourself up, it will get better. ?
@naomih speaks good sense. You're not "swinging the lead" on this. MS can't be ignored, it needs to be managed. It can be a formidable enemy and needs to be treated with respect. Have you advised your medical team of these developments? If this relapse is causing enough grief to you, then a course of high dosage steroids may be in order. Are you taking a Diseases Modifying Treatment (DMT)?