@tamarap

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tamarap

Relationships

I have a question to ask people's advice on. In Aug 2008 I was diagnosed with MS from an episode in optic neuritis. I got married in Sept 2008 (planned a year before) to my seemingly supportive husband. In Aug 2010 I had to part from my husband as he said "MS wasn't what he signed for". At the time my daughters were 4 months and 2 1/2 years old. I felt I had no choice but to leave him as I couldn't trust that if my health deteriorated in the future he wouldn't be the person to support me. I consider my health to be quite good and although I require support during relapses, I am self sufficient. I noticed things going wrong when he wouldn't go to consultants appointment with me, MRI scans or tell his family when I was sick - like he was embarrassed. When I told my neurologist he told this happens quite often. Enough of what sounds like a sob story (it's really not ment to) but I wonder how people have got to starting new relationships after diagnosis? I feel like it would be a lot to try to explain as the future is so unpredictable.

reens

@reens

It's quite a tricky one, I think there will be risk in either option of telling the person from the get go or waiting and telling them later on because like you say its unpredictable what the future holds, even if the new guy asked what you expect from him you couldn't really give an answer apart from being there for you. Sorry couldn't actually help in terms of experience, hope you find someone who will go through sickness and health with you, as they promised!

scotkiwi

@scotkiwi

Evening <a href='https://shift.ms/community/people/Tamara/' rel='nofollow'>@Tamara</a>, Yes unfortunately I too have a similar story. I was engaged to someone I thought was wonderful. Unfortunately she didnt turn out to be as I thought, so I called it all off. I now struggle massively with trust and being close to anyone which is frustrating. I have made it my goal to learn to trust ppl again this year, but slowly does it... Wishing you health and happiness. Simon

danni0809

@danni0809

Hi, I was very worried about telling anyone about my MS - no one at work knew for 18 months except my boss!!! In regards to relationships I may have been lucky I had very understanding boyfriends, I didn't tell them straight away but they were very caring and supportive once they knew....I have been on my own for a while now but I would do the same again - often they have a family member or know someone else who has it. Go out there and start dating, if it doesn't feel right don't tell them until you are ready. There are men out there who will take care of you and love you for who you are and not judge you on the state of your health! Good luck!

tamarap

@tamarap

Thanks for all the messages. This site has been great for explaining something that I find difficult to explain to even close friends as they don't quite understand :-)

indigojane

@indigojane

This reply is to both Tamara and Simon, Looking at both your pics and reading your post, you are both goodlooking people! I dont think it was the MS on its own that caused your relationships to end. They may have left anyway. You both sound very grounded and good people to know. It wont be to long before Someone will walk into your lifes(gosh i sound like mystic megg) I for myself find its better to be open right from the start. I told my husband right from the start. He has been very good and helps me all he can. However he never wants to talk about the MS. We can talk about anything, but MS he won,t talk. We all deal with MS in our own way. Our family and friends deal in the best way they can too Thats about it, Janexxx

Becks

@Becks

From my point of view i didn't tell straight away but didn't leave it too long as i wanted to know sooner rather than later if they could hack it! I never has a bad reaction i.e. i don't want to see you again but some people couldn't cope longer term. My now hubby was told on around date 3 - he had 'something to tell me' - which was he was 11 years older so i thought... strike while the iron's hot and told him of my ms - neither of us was phased by the revelation hence the wedding 5 years later but it goes to show we all have our own insecurities!!! I used to keep it a basic explanation and asked them if they had any questions to ask me rather than scare themselves witless looking up all sorts on the internet!

mhorn50

@mhorn50

Tamara- I really do understand your situation. I have been married for 24 years and get almost no emotional or physical support. I was always very self sufficient as well, working, responsibilities in the home and with my son. We have been married so long that now things are very messy. I am always looking for emotional and physical support even if someone tries. So.... I really do understand issues and yes it is very difficult, the positive side is that you are young and seem to have wonderful qualities. Keep positive!

reddivine

@reddivine

When I was diagnosed, I was married with 2 kids. However I since been divorced, (nothing to do with the MS) but Tamara, sometimes it IS hard on the partner. They can have visions of you dying or being left on their own.....and they won't SAY all that, of course, they repress it & get depressed. Having said that, pretty shitty of yr partner to dump you and I say........get out there dating. You look a nice lass and don't let MS be a mind block to having a life, and a sex life come to that. I started internet dating. I would'nt say I had MS on the profile - tis is bit like sticking "I have MS on yr forehead" BUT if they sounded genuine, if they wanted to meet THEN i told em. If they dropped me like a rock, well their loss! If they were STILL interested, they were interested in the real me!

reddivine

@reddivine

and the answer to "relationships after MS" YES!!! Despite being divorced and over 40...........life does NOT stop at 30 or 40 or even 50, YES i have found a partner, thru internet, and we are very happy. So get out there girl.....if guys love the REAL you, the MS is not insurmountable!

sazjh

@sazjh

Wow - if people treat you like that, they don't deserve you! I guess I can understand though as I was diagnosed at university, whilst in a long term relationship. He was fantastic and nearly 20 years on we're still best friends. The responce of his friends however was "when are you going to dump her" and "how long has she got left!" I put it down to ignorance. I'm now happily married and have always been upfront with people from the start when starting new relationships on the basis this is who I am and its your decision whether you want to pursue things. I have to say, every relationship they have stuck around and then things haven't worked out, I've been the one moving on. I've probably had more problems re when to tell work about the MS, for example when going for interviews or starting a new job. That makes me much more nervous for some reason even though legally we're protected to a certain extent I guess. Just find it much harder opening up and being honest in those circumstances. Anyway, if someone loves you, they love you and will look after you and treat you well. If they don't, you are worth more than that x

madmaz1

@madmaz1

I was also in a similar situation, i was with my ex since school and we lated 15 years .. But we did split 2 years ago which was due to my own frustration with being ill and the fact that he didnt believe me , he reminded me of the doctors saying it was all in my head and i should see a psychiatrist . So dealing with how i felt , the doctors telling me i had nothing wrong and my partner telling me i was off my head i couldnt cope .. i asked him to leave and find it so much easier being single and not having to explain myself or my circumstance to anyone ... this site is an amazing help and there are some amazing people here . i find it so much easier to say what i feel where i couldnt in a situation at home . Thanks guys ;) xx

kcdix75

@kcdix75

I was diagnosed in March, and had a horrible flare, my bladder is not functioning, so i have to cath myself 2-3 times per day and daily shots of Copaxone, my teenage son shows more support than my husband of 7 years. I feel like i have got no support from him at all, and he has made things worse in our life and our relationship.. I try to think this is his way of dealing with the diagnosis, maybe? I was the do everything, clean, cook, laundry person, to a wore out, fatigued, body aching wife.. i have come to terms with my disease and have alot of support, i just dont know if he will ever come around.. Any tips?

desbanks

@desbanks

a few pals of mine had a group discussion about this and thought it could be a good idea to start a target datesite for us only. Didnt think that will work though, too far fetched

markms

@markms

hi tamara i 2 have been there i was not married but we lived together had a house she had kids i did we got on brill till it all went wrong and it all ended she blamed the ms. but now i have met a woman with ms as well so looking good. all im saying is there is some one out there for us all that can look past the ms and see you. ps hope things work out you sound so nice as well.

kyliejayne11

@kyliejayne11

I was diagnosed in january this yr after 18mths of tests and being in limbo not being able to get an answer even though in my heart i knew i had ms and when the neuro confimed it finally in a twisted way my mum and i felt like it was great news, bitter sweet in a way, i said to mum "whats wrong with us were not supposed to be happy when finding out i have a serious debilitating incureable disease" but we were just so relieved to know what was wrong finally and that also meant i could start treatment...... 18mths before when i noticed the major symptoms and was sent for mri no#1. my partner who iv been with for 13yrs was 6weeks into a 8week contract working in another state and i was on my own taking care of our 3 boys (aged 11,8&6) & our lil girl (age 5) when the neurologist said "come back with your mri results and i will see if there is brain tumor or signs of ms" and petrified me. Frantically i got a msg sent to pj (my partner) and waited for his call. He called about 20 mins later , but in that 20 mins i had convinced myself that the best & fairest thing for him and us was for him to not return home to me because i didnt want to burden him and we could just do our best juggling the kids between us and when he called i told him that and that he should be free to move on with his life and be happy with someone who wasnt broken................. he insisted that this was not going to happen he would be home asap and whatever it was we would deal with it and he was with me 100% and he did ,he came home................................. But he hasnt or isnt dealing with it well at all and even though before all this from the very begining we had our ups and downs and always had a fiery but loving relationship (if u can put those two things in one sentence together lol) ..... we could be yelling at each other one min but know 5 mins later hugging....crazy like that!!since MS came into our life he has changed. Dont get me wrong he helps me if i need it,does 100x more with raising our kids and for most of the time is good and i love and appreciate him for it,but then every couple of weeks its like he snaps and for a few days he turns into someone mean and nasty and not the pj i know......for example he throws in my face how i cant do things i used to do like washing clothes(cause i cant carry basket and lift washing in or out of machine) and how i cant be as active with the kids anymore and makes me feel like a bad mum and has even told me once in anger to go crash my car into a pole so him and the kids dont have to deal with me anymore , but for me the worst worst thing is he constantly says im faking it and i am a hypercondriac. and i know im not innocent and i do my fair share of yelling at him but not low blows like that. Then after he has his horrible tantum and a few days of making me feel like rubbish no worse than rubbish like a big nothing overnight he is back to normalfor 3 or 4 weeks!!!!! Has anyone experienced this with thier partner before,or apart from leave ,or end the relationship,i dont need help taking the easy way out so if anyone has any advise on how i can help him ,and my family and me get through this i really would appreciate it ......................thanks guys

kyliejayne11

@kyliejayne11

ps sorry for writing a novel for u to read i didnt realise till it was posted ooops

ophelia

@ophelia

Kyliejayne that sounds very much like your husband can't deal with his emotions. My boyfriend is the same. Flips out and says nasty things even though I know (I deeply deeply hope) he doesn't mean. 2 days after my gran died, I rang him asking him to be with me at the funeral. To which he responded, "I'm sick of all your depressive phonecalls, you know all this stressing and crying won't bring her back"... He apologised immediately and I'll always hate him a little for saying it, but men (sorry to generalise) CANNOT deal with emotions. The whole mars/Venus dilemma. Have you told him how much his comments hurt or do you just get on with things....you need to get him to open up and share his true feelings. Big loves to you xxxx

smackmacks

@smackmacks

MS is frustrating for everyone. It's not surprising that tempers get frayed. I think that sometimes our nearest and dearest misdirect their frustration at us instead of the condition. I know I'm guilty too, I find myself shouting at my hubby or my kids when really I'm just so damn angry that things I should be able to do without thinking have become so complicated. My husband is an ostrich, he seems to think if we ignore MS it will go away. He thinks that positive thinking will act like mind over matter, which leaves me feeling guilty because it just doesn't work like that :-(