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Sun, Sea, Sand and a giant s***y mess

Ey up MSdebators This ones not for the faint hearted if your easyly offended or have a weak stomach please leave now 😂 This story started as a date in the diary but a month ago, Saturday 28th of July, what a lovely treat for the family, a wonderful day out at the seaside. I’m quite certain it will be one I will never forget...... Saturday morning comes round fast and after a quick trip to the garage to get a new part slapped on me car I’m home and it’s Time to pack the car and go into ultimate dad mode. Determined to be the best dad in the world I decide to go in Armed off me tits with proper shovels to dig the worlds biggest hole ever, my mini crowbar to get out the big rocks and my gold pan (not expecting to find anything but it’s my new obsession to spend time with the fam out of the house). That’s right f*ck you right in the eyes cheap plastic sh1te shovels, it’s been ages since iv done anything properly with the kids, were digging to Australia. If you have ever noticed every dad on the beach as soon as they get there enters into a unofficial sort of competition, biggest hole, best looking castle etc... and there’s always one 🛎 end that has NATO grade equipment a bloody JCB digger, dynamite you know all the best tackle. Sick of years of struggling on with what might as well be a chip shop knife and fork trying to dig me hole today I’m the 🛎 end MU ha ha har!!!! All excited we set off In our car, about 11.30, hit every traffic jam possible, what should have been a hours journey turned into 2 and 1/2 hour trip packed with stress, a Starbucks caramel latte, boy of 4 years calling girl of 2 years a “penis” 😂 and a few snacks on the way. The usual when you have kids absolute chaos but nothing new there tho it’s all to be expected, comes with the territory. Just as I’m about to nod off I see the sea and all of a sudden a wave of happy comes over me and a blast of energy Yayyyy!!! Wahoo!, av itttttt ahhh!!!! I’m 12 years old again, amazing. For what ever reason and Without pointing any fingers (and without utilising my shiny new blue badge that dropped through the post the day before) we decide to park, not in a car park with added facilities disabalist toilet, cafe etc etc WE (notice how I’m saying we 😂 I’m sure a certain person will when they read this so the we bit is me accepting a small part of the blame too and I’m covering me back and like I say not pointing any fingers anywhere *shit eating grin). Anyway WE Decide to park in the middle of bloody nowhere in the middle of a load of sand dunes might as well of been slap bang in middle of the desert 😂. Determined to make it through the obstacles in my path to get to the beach I waddle out the car, strap on my new north face dad backpack (it’s got secret pockets and everyfink) grab my crutch and shovels and hand one to boy of 4. “Stick that over yer shoulder lad and sing the high ho song”. With little sister of 2 in tow with plastic bucket and spade in hand, my lovely missis with a pram full of picnic stuff, the mother in law with little Flossie dog and beach bag, and the missises two younger sisters watching as we all struggle with everything he he he. Off we go over mountainous terrain we’re heading for the beach. Singing high hooooooooooooooo!!! A short while later and what feels like 600 miles we make it. I fling my bag down drop to my knees shovel in hand “come on lad let’s get to work” off we go we’re digging (I remember doing a mad scientist laugh to myself knowing Today I’m gonna win) boys face is a picture he loves spending time with daddy doing man things and daddy loves it too. About 4 shovels in we hit the old sea defenders not even my crowbar is gonna shift that digging around it to scope it out even atlas himself would struggle to move that fecker. “Come on lad let’s move camp and dig further out”. Still on my knees I grab my crutch and hoist myself to my feet all of a sudden I feel my tummy rumble, a fart is brewing just as I’m straining to get up to my feet “feck it” I think to myself “PWEEERRRRRRPPPPPP!!!!” Out it comes a fart of epic proportions, everyone’s ears are bleeding 😂 as I stand with stupid grin on my face “get aht n walk, thas not paid rent”. But wait, I feel a sweat appear on my brow this is not right, not right at all. My worst nightmare there’s a turd on its way and I’m in the middle of nowhere with half the missises family and my baby’s. What was a quiet stretch of beach has all of a sudden turned into party central and everyone has appeared out of nowhere. I look at the hole I just dug and look around there’s too many people. I grab my bag and crutch in hand I look in the missis direction trying to signal the fact I’m in distress with my eyebrows (looking back she may have thought I was having a reaction to my drugs they do make me go daft 😂) I shout as I waddle away “IM OFF TO THE TOILET WHERE IS IT PLEASE” “400 miles in that direction” said a voice in the distance. So off I head up the sand dunes determined to make it I get to the top of the first one and BOOM the bomb doors open all by themselves a turd of giant proportions is now made itself comfortable in the back of me keks. “Fecking brilliant” “you b*stard” holding on to it so it does not escape I Look around and in the distance is a car park full of people cars and a toilet “it’s too late for that” not far away I see a small dip in the dunes if I can just get to that I might be able to clean up and salvage me keks and my long awaited day at the beach. As I stumble over the sweat starts to form on my brow again “oh no” the bomb doors start creaking again, I let go of mr hanky the not so jolly nowhere near Christmas poo as number 2 erm number 2 starts to make his escape. This can’t be happening not today. All of I sudden the Bear Grills in me takes over, I let go of the turd I’m clinging onto through the back of me jeans and I dive for cover in the ditch, get into the backwards crab position and rip my jeans off just as I’m about to explode. Then vadoom im shitting in the wilderness in a big hole. Wind whistling past my testicles I hop into a nearby patch of grass arse first “Nature’s bogroll” I giggle to myself as a wipe my arse up and down on the reeds. Now iv got shut of the thick of it I have another problem where the feck has turd number one gone. I pull my keks and jeans back up and feel down my right leg “it’s there” now I’m stuck for ideas I can’t move not for the shame I know I can’t help it I just don’t want it to drop out of me leg and make more of a mess. I grab hold of my stick and start crawling if I can get the wife’s attention she will know what to do. Up I go again, crawling back up the dunes this time on my hands and knees I get to the beach line sat on a high dune I try to get the attention of the missis without drawing attention from passers by but she’s too far away. I manage to get sat up. Waving my arms like a loony smelling like a fecking cattle lorry stewing in my own sh1te. Werp!!! 😂 she’s not looking and neither is anyone else it’s hopeless I’m stuck here. I search frantically for my phone the one thing that’s almost impossible to forget due to the size of the bloody thing it might as well be a full sized desktop computer it’s that big, but wait you’ve somehow managed to forget it you tit 😂. What must of been a hour passes. I notice the sea is a mile out so no chance of a wash “jobs fecked”. I rub sand on my hands and my jeans it’s a cover up operation now to a degree (can’t get rid of the smell) and flatten the turd now stuck to my right leg. All while trying to not look like a fecking weirdo masterbating in the reeds to the passers by. I see and hear girl of 2 shouting “daddy where you” in the distance and I start to wave again, But again to no avail. Now I have started to feel tired I could just lay back and go to sleep but they will never find me up here. All of a sudden the mother in law and boy of 4 appear round the corner and I start to wave again. The boy of 4 runs towards me, he’s seen me, his nana running after him has not yet, she’s frantically chasing him as he runs happily to his daddy. He gets to the sanddune I’m sat on he tries his best to climb but his little legs can’t get up. “Can you get mummy please” I say. so off he runs again. The missis appears in the distance like a beam of light as she walks upto me I’m thinking “I think I should be going red right now I think somethings, wrong with me” 😂 but I’m smiling????. She approaches gingerly “what’s wrong and where have you been” just as she said that I think she got hit by the wall of smell WAFT!!! I explained I think iv done a boo boo and I don’t think she’s even phased “right she says let’s get you cleaned up and back to the car”. I don’t want to go anywhere near any people I say can we just get to the car please. So here we go phase 2 the escape plan I must be like a stinking ninja, not get spotted and get back to my car. Over hills, avoiding giant turds and people we went, missis holding my hand making sure I don’t fall over bless her little socks. My rock she’s amazing *blush* back at the car she covers the seat for me and helps me Get in the car. “You go have a nice rest of day with kids I say il be ok here”. I’m away from people just crack me the windows please. Some time passes As I’m sat in the car, eyes melting with the smell, typing up my momentous day at the seaside, my amazing wife to be brought me some chips. Nothing is going to stop me eating them you can’t go tet beach without eating fish and chips it’s the law. F*ck you MS you have almost literally shat on me chips but I’m still eating em 😂 and they taste amazing. It’s all shits and giggles, till someone giggles and shits. Yesterday i giggled, i shit and I’m still smiling. What a sh1te day and iv even dyed my nice white trainers pink in the wash. But main thing is the kids really enjoyed it bless em and that’s all that matters. On a plus I got to watch them playing together still even if it was from a distance on the subs bench covered in my own pap 😂. I’d go through all that again In a heartbeat, it’s not going to stop me spending time with my family and kids so kids so kiss my now sparklingly clean Yorkshire arse MS go feck yourself. And fecking eat sh1t. 💪 I won’t go into detail about the clean up operation but it involved a bucket, 2 showers a bath and a 4 hour washing machine cycle 😂 Keep fighting MSdebators don’t let it stop you doing what you love. And FFS make sure you park next to a toilet or take a bloody portable one. Peace out dubs