@barryb

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barryb

Relationships and having MS

Hi All, My partner of almost 22 years no longer wants to be with me, we have no children, has anyone been in the same boat? I don't think I can ever open up to anyone else again in the same way, hell we met when I was 21, is this it now? Who would want to be with someone with this disease? Excuse me I need to go to the loo for the x time in the last few hours, sorry I'm anxious travelling anywhere due to x and y, oh and I can't walk that far as I get tired. We are still friends, she says I am a good looking guy, I don't know about that, I feel so adrift, can't focus at work, feel no inclination to do anything. Sorry for posting this, maybe i need to get it out, I thought I was getting over it and then the Neuro said he "thinks" my MS is now secondary progressive, whats the point? I know the are a lot of people are worse off than myself and I feel selfish for even posting this :(

Monica2015

@Monica2015

Hi @barryb, I'm so sorry that you have received such devastating news, especially after been a couple for such a long period of time. Inevitably it will impact your health, it would for a healthy individual. I'm wondering if you have any others in the form of a social network that might be able to support you through this period of anguish and loss? You do not cite the MS as being the reason, although I'm guessing it may well have been a contributory factor. Would your wife be open to relationship counselling or has she already left? I'm not in the same position, but do know of others on this forum who have shared similar stories, usually the women. I do know of one gentleman, and I hope he will not mind me passing on his name to you as he's discussed it in previous threads, whose situation parallels yours: @orlando27. He may be able to advise better than I. However, I would say that it might be useful for you to seek some assistance processing your grief via a counsellor or similar and to attempt to not focus on anything other than handling your emotions at the present time. I can only reiterate how sorry I am, and how in the future I am sure you will find someone who loves and accepts you as you are. Good luck! Monica x

barryb

@barryb

@monica2015 We were not married, it is not the MS, I was diagnosed over 12 years ago, she still loves me for who I am, but not in a close relationship way anymore, and as much as it pains me I want what is best for her and for her to do whats in her own best interests. I do blame myself for allowing my fears to limit what we did as a couple and think that maybe a contributing factor. I was / am seeing a MS counsellor (psychologist) to assist with my tavel anxiety (which sucks as I travel to work every day), and we did discuss my relationship but, as caring as they are they dont "know" if you know what I mean? My friends do not live close, but it is hard to open up to guys and i do not have any close female friends anymore, not really have for a long time. It is the coming home and not having someone to make dinner with etc, I still live in the house, we need to see about selling etc, which again is another fear, we already have a joint mortgage so that will need to be dealt with, too many what if's with this damnable disease :/ I appreciate your kind words.

holly12345

@holly12345

Hi @barryb I'm so sorry to hear your situation at the moment, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. I have so many things and thoughts in my head that I could say but it would turn into war and peace!! The important thing for you to know is that we are all here to support you ? Keep well and stay strong Rebecca xx

barryb

@barryb

@holly12345 Thank you Rebecca, I appreciate the words of support, everything just seems to be up and down! I have found myself going to the darkside of Dominos Pizza and Peanut M&M's :( I don't think I'm a "normal" kind of bloke lol :) but need to knock that on the head and get back to my healthy eating again.

potter

@potter

One of my aunts was diagnosed at 28 years old, I don't know how long she had been married but her husband left her when she got the diagnoses. He said that he couldn't handle it, she moved into an assisted living apartment. This was before there was any kind of treatment and her MS was fast progressing. My other aunt who had MS husband stuck like glue. I have ran into several women whose husband left them after diagnoses. My husband has been the opposite more attentive and caring. Potter

cameron

@cameron

There's no reason to feel guilty. You're handling the MS and looking after yourself, probably a whole load better than many. TBH, that in itself can be a full-time occupation! I don't have any answers but after being on my own for many years am more content than I would have thought possible. No energy expended on pleasing anyone else.....xx

Keifib

@Keifib

Hi @barryb, break ups are difficult regardless of your situation or health. I had suffered my first heartbreak at the age of 22 and it lasted for a long time and even now 10 years later it still has an affect on me. Ironically, her dad passed away from MS while we were going out. When I was diagnosed I actually used the heartbreak i experienced as motivation not to allow life's curveballs to consume my mood and prevent me living life like I had done before. I have chose to be proud of myself, of both my qualities and my flaws. I have accepted that I am human just like everyone else and I hurt and laugh and cry just like everyone else yet I still feel unique because I am alive. Fatigue and a weak bladder certainly can be seen as flaws but they are my flaws and I am me and therefore I am unique. I wish you strength and courage. I think even by posting this you are being positive whether you realise it or not. Sometimes we have to be positive just for the sake of being positive as the other alternatives aren't worth it.

CheshireCat

@CheshireCat

You aren't selfish and please don't feel guilty. You asked "who would want to be with someone with this disease"... I guess that many people would, specially someone who says she's your friend, finds you handsome and shared (or still shares) a life with you for so long... I would dare to call it love. She's stayed years after you were DX. Sounds more like a crisis, everyone goes through that. Try to find out if that's the case. It's very difficult to give opinions, but maybe she needs to get perspective - possibly meaning some time and distance - to be able to see the big picture. Acting according to that need can be selfish... or not. I've seen couples splitting apart and then returning with a stronger connection. Good to know you're seeing an MS counsellor who is Psychologist, but don't forget about this place cause it's full of great people providing support. :)

barryb

@barryb

Thanks everyone for thier replies, it is really appreciated. Just had a Brain and Spine MRI on Friday so hopefully it is OK.

Monica2015

@Monica2015

Hi @barryb, sorry been put of action due to illness (relapse) etc. Anyway, guilt is not an emotion you should be feeling as matters were not within your control and I'm certain you physically did as much as you were able. Last Easter, my husband and son went on a multi country trip in Asia, the US and Oz for 3.5 weeks whilst I was having the most severe relapse involving my mobility that I have ever experienced. It had my promise to my son if passed all his 11+ exams for top multiple schools, which he achieved, so they went with my blessing despite it being bitter sweet as I could not accompany them. Regretabbly, this has occurred on a fair few occasions due to the number and severity of my relapses but I do not experience guilt as it is most certainly not my fault! Relationship breakdowns are THE most heartbreaking events ever, and I know that from personal experience having let go of the love of my life for various reasons, so I totally understand your selfless comments re wishing her to be happy regardless, albeit being magnanimous does not have any impact upon the pain you feel whatsoever! It will take time to heal so do not worry about finding a replacement as this will happen in its own time. Good luck with all!

weenywoo22

@weenywoo22

Aah bless you. You have proved how strong you are by airing your situation and agreeing to let her be free. My part time partner is great but he has hobbies that I can no longer do hence he is part time as I feel guilty and feel he needs his time free of me. He hasn't complained about my disease but I know it haunts him seeing the person I was to how I am now. Jezzz we are only human and I need time out also. You will find as you do with this disease that you have to adjust your life around it. I think you will be OK just give it time. I have my own house as does my partner and we used to live together then split and then 2 years later still being in contact got back together. When you have a disease it affects them as well. Guilt makes us temporarily makes selfless decisions and push people away but hey you gotta get out there and live. I am guessing you are early forties, the good thing about that is that you know what you want and believe me there are a lot of single people out there looking for some one to be friends with and have a laugh...... remember people are like clouds, once they f##k off it's a beautiful day ha ha just hold your head high you are special ms chose you because you are dealing with better than you think. Crap happens but it makes us stronger ?

barryb

@barryb

@monica2015 thank you for your kind words of encouragement and I never thought that a breakup was this heart breaking, I'm a pretty sensitive sort lol. @weenywoo22 yeah I know what you mean, and yes I am early 40's but when you are with someone for such a length of time, a life of monkhood seems like a better option than putting yourself out there again hehe :)

Monica2015

@Monica2015

@barryb, I think it's a very endearing quality in a man who is in tune with his emotions, and I'm certain that you will find a lady who appreciates your unique qualities! It's commendable! I'm a very strong willed person and strong in so many aspects, but I share being a total softie in matters relating to the heart. Please be patient and just go easy on yourself! X

RedSuzuki

@RedSuzuki

Hi @barryb Snap...Fifteen years...then only lasted 10 month after DX...bless her, & I can see it now so much from her side.....admitted just couldn't cope with changes & who can blame her, so what now, lost life style, home, job, had to move to get help......its an emotional roller coaster, like you have the feeling inside will never really get into a close 'soul mate' relationship again...it hurts to much, well you do really miss those feeling.....all I can say is really good, close friends that helps me now, who ask for your help, advice as much as you can ask them for help & advice......they help so much, tell you things you do & don't want to hear, an ear & shoulder for you when you need it, don't crowd you...but you know what, they are still there for you whatever...apart from 'how your day going or how are you doing today'.....sometimes I find that helps me especially as you find you tend to be less negative about things.....Keep strong