@Sugargliderz

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Sugargliderz

Anxiety

My appointment with the neurologist is 3 weeks away. It seemed when it was scheduled (back in July) that it was so far away. I'm so afraid that the neurologist won't listen to me or take me seriously. My doctor specifically told me at my last appointment with her "Do not let them dismiss you, you need to make sure that they know everything." She is convinced that I have MS, but, of course, she can't diagnose it. That's the neuro's job. I nearly got in a car wreck yesterday, with my kids in the car. It would have been a bad one. The other car tried changing lanes, except that I was already there. I was able to react quickly and brake hard enough to avoid a collision (we were mere inches away from the other car when we both stopped). Anyway, all I could think afterwards was what if my reaction hadn't been so fast? What if my leg didn't have enough strength to brake so quickly and so hard? I pulled off on a side street after and just shook. This morning I had a dream that, at the time, felt very real. I thought it was real until I woke up. There was a horrible earthquake, I was in bed, my girls and I were home, but I was paralyzed and could not move or even call out to them to make sure they were ok. None of this is helped by the fact that my husband is out of state for school (Today is his last day, so he'll be home tonight or tomorrow morning) and my Mom, who lives with us and helps me immensely (especially when I am not feeling well) is visiting her sister out of state for 5 weeks. So I've been the only "adult" around. My oldest daughter is 19, but she doesn't drive and is buried in college coursework, so it still feels like I'm the only responsible adult around. I do not like not being in control. I don't like all the unknowns right now. I'm really struggling with this, and have no one that I can talk to that understands. It sort of feels like some sort of cosmic cruel joke that my type A personality is being tested with the probability of a MS diagnosis, where I will continue to have no control over anything, including my own body. Anyway, I just needed a safe place to rant. I'll be ok.