Dear all A couple of weeks ago I posted for my first time in a post called the Newbies Black Hole: https://shift.ms/p/topic/the-newbies-black-hole/ I just wanted to lift the curtains and shed some light on this subject, especially as you all deserve to know after giving me a helping hand... Well my 'normalness' has gone, and the madness is back (which for me, is a good thing) Trying to be 'normal' when you're not, has ultimately been my undoing, I see that now, so, now I'm myself again (which is someone who is marginally off-kilter and banana flavoured) so in conclusion, I feel better. So it was a grim time, sliced myself up, wrists to elbows, blah blah blah which as it turned out I didn't manage to kill myself:(Murder by Death) But I did myself some pretty terrible damage instead: (Mong-Hoy) for an artist that needs skillful hands and the ability to hold a paintbrush, ruination was not my aim, but it's what I have. Anyhoo, the bandages are off, I'm healing nicely, I'll have scars but it's a sign of wear and tear so I couldn't really give a teeeny tiny rats ass *snigger snigger* I'm also back at work 2 days a week, and I'm trying to get my artwork back on track too...(potato prints or play-do shapes for the terminally childish) it's safe to say my days of short sleeves are over for...well...forever (meh who needs short sleeves in winter anyway?) And my days of being a recluse are waiting in the wings. (I think being a recluse might be my new safety blanket)it does seem oddly appealing.... I'm also now off the Citalopram and off the booze, and on Sertraline and tea which appears to be working- I've got a mental health consultant and am having some time to plan for what is round the next corner, at the moment its double vision, or as I told my boss "It's like being on Acid!! Wooo-oooo! " He laughed so that's ok. (As if he wouldn't know what /that's/ like) *snorts derisively* So in summary: I was going to kill myself, and now for the time being, I'm not. I feel like I'm slowly coming back to life, even if I'm not the same person I was a few weeks ago I'm not sure what the purpose of my life is anymore. I like my madness just fine, its seems to be the glue that holds me together. So, Hooray for the Mad, and to finally coming through the other side of the black hole. (even if it is a double trouble view of the world with blurry edges) The world is still out there :) I hope everyone is also lifting the veil of darkness in whatever it is that you are going through, it does feel hard at times... but then it gets easy again it is quite simply an ongoing battle of wits, and once you've lost your marbles it's harder to find them again. (If you find mine, please RSVP me) Marjolie x