@pottypete

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pottypete

Joke of the day!

I saw a guy in a wheelchair getting told what to do today. I said, "Don't you just hate being pushed around?"

pottypete

@pottypete

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America. One of the ads uses the slogan "MS: It's not a software company" exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met with silence from Microsoft which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford to appear insensitive over such an issue. Most people however, should have no trouble telling the two MS's apart. One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread problem that renders the sufferer barely able to perform even the simplest of tasks. The other is a disease.

pottypete

@pottypete

Do you know what really gets on my nerves? Multiple Sclerosis

pottypete

@pottypete

Just trying to put a smile on your faces. No offence intended. A laugh everyday is the best medication.

Stumbler

@Stumbler

I'm on your side, Pete. :)

daisy

@daisy

Thanks chaps, made me laugh!

pottypete

@pottypete

It will happen again.

DJDsouza

@DJDsouza

Being the geek I am, the Microsoft is one I definitely agree with!

pottypete

@pottypete

If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

pottypete

@pottypete

REAL EXTRACTS FROM DISABILITY LIVING ALLOWANCE CLAIM PACKS AND LETTERS Q %u2013 Do you need help getting around? A %u2013 Yes, if I don%u2019t know the way Q %u2013 What do you use to help you with your asthma? A %u2013 A Vaginal dilator Q %u2013 Are there any distinguishing features? A %u2013 Yes, he wears a cap Q %u2013 How long does it take you to get dressed in a morning? A %u2013 Half a day Q %u2013 Please tell us about any equipment that you use to help you when you are getting dressed A %u2013 I sit on the toilet Q %u2013 Please tell us about any equipment that you use to help you when you are getting dressed A %u2013 My girlfriend Q %u2013 How often do you have blackouts? A %u2013 At least once a week Q %u2013 When did it last happen? A %u2013 3 weeks ago Q %u2013 Please tell us about anything that would help when preparing a main meal A %u2013 A cooker Q %u2013 Please tell us about any equipment you use when toileting A %u2013 My wife and a walking stick Q %u2013 Please tell us about any equipment you use when toileting A %u2013 I%u2019ve got no equipment, I use my bottom Q %u2013 Please tell us what happens when you fall A %u2013 I get up. I have blackouts followed by loss of memory When did this last happen? I can%u2019t remember · I have memory loss, I forgot to tell you · I would like it if someone would access me · The trouble started when he went to Lourdes by minibus, the minibus ran over his legs · I can go to the toilet on the wheelchair · She has to sleep downstairs with the toilet · I have a new treatment from my doctor which means I have to insert a small table up my vagina · She finds stiff knobs difficult to handle · I usually get up at 10:00am and use a vibrator for 20 minutes · I dribble depending on how the weather is · He locks himself in the toilet and masturbates · Owing to masturbation when young and breaking my penis, I now find I have very little energy and avoid social situations · He has to have a plunger put in his hole at all times when taking a bath · My greatest difficulty is walking on elbow crutches · Since I died on the operating table my memory has been very bad · When I wake up it takes an hour for my stiffness to wear off · Breathless pains in my legs · My disability is the fact that I can%u2019t breath through my mouth and nose, which makes me breathless

pottypete

@pottypete

Oops, just noticed that last one is a little rude sorry!

JessMonster

@JessMonster

Just had Mum and I in hysterics, thanks Pete x

JessMonster

@JessMonster

Just had Mum and I in hysterics, thanks Pete x

Gav

@Gav

The first rule of Mute club is, you do not talk about Mute club. The second rule of mute club is...

Munchies

@Munchies

This is why I love this site - people with a sense of humour, who are quite positive yet helpful/considerate and providing useful information.xx

pottypete

@pottypete

This year, in October, we celebrate the 203rd Anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar in which that Great National Hero, Admiral Horatio Nelson, took on, and beat our long-term adversaries, the snivelling Frenchies and their Spanish allies. But what would have been the case if the battle had taken place in October 2008 ? Picture the scene:... October 21st 2008 - Upper Poop-Deck - HMS Victory - 0700 hrs Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye, sir." N: "Hold on a minute, that's not what I dictated to the signals officer. What's the meaning of this?" H: "Sorry sir" N: (reading aloud) "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?" H: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equalopportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." N: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." H: "Sorry sir, you're not allowed to smoke whilst on board ship. All naval vessels have been designated as smoke-free working environments." N: "In that case, Hardy, break open the rum ration and we'll splice the main brace before the battle." H: "The rum ration has been abolished, sir. It's all part of the Government's policy on Binge Drinking." N: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then. Full speed ahead." H: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir." N: "For f***'s sakes, man! We're on the verge of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all speed. Send a man to the crow's nest." H: "Not possible, sir." N: "What??" H: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harnesses, and they say that the rope ladders do not meet current regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." N: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay." H: "He's busy building a wheelchair access ramp to the fo'c'sle, sir." N: "Wheelchair access ? I've never heard anything so absurd." H: "Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled" N: "Differently-Abled? I've only got one eye and one arm, and I refuse to hear mention of the phrase. I didn't get to be an Admiral by playing the disability card." H: "Actually, sir, you did. The Admiralty was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." N: "Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons." H: "A couple of problems there too, sir. H&S won't let the men up the rigging without harnesses and hard hats, and they don't want them breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" N: " I never heard such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." H: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." N: "What? This is mutiny!" H: "No, it's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of Legal-Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." N: "How then are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" H: "Actually, sir, we're not" N: "What??" H: "No sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And, according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in these waters. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." N: Devil take it, Hardy. You must hate every Frenchy as you would hate the Devil himself." H: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You'll be up on a charge." N: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King." H: "Not any more, sir. We must all learn to be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, sir. It's the rules, and it could save your life." N: "Don't tell me, Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" H: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on corporal punishment." N: "What about sodomy?" H: "I believe that it is now legal, sir." N: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

pottypete

@pottypete

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourettes! Now f*** off you c***!"

janep

@janep

Thanks Pete! Loving this new daily joke tradition! Keep them coming!

JessMonster

@JessMonster

Yep yep I am loving the funnies Pete, thank you xxx

pottypete

@pottypete

I went to the doctor's the other day and he said, "I can't find a cause for your illness though, quite frankly, I think it's the drinking." "Okay," I said, "I'll come back when you're sober."

pottypete

@pottypete

When my wife starts singing , I make her go out in the front garden. So the neighbours don't think I'm beating her.

pottypete

@pottypete

A wife was trying to explain the purchase of some expensive underwear to her husband. "After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," the husband replied, "and I wouldn't expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver either!"

pottypete

@pottypete

I call my new girlfriend Titanic. Not because she's big. It's because she went down on the first night.

pottypete

@pottypete

A blind man is at the opticians with his guide dog. Both are facing the eye test chart on the wall. The optician takes the guide dog away , and replaces it with another guide dog, and asks, "Is that better or worse?"

pottypete

@pottypete

Swine flu is not a problem for the pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.

pottypete

@pottypete

Marks and Spencers has announced they are in financial trouble. They have merged with Poundstretcher. They will now be known as Stretch Marks.

pottypete

@pottypete

If "I am," is the shortest sentence in the world, what's the longest sentence? "I do!"

pottypete

@pottypete

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

pottypete

@pottypete

At school I was taught that I shouldn't always label people as disabled. It was offensive, and a huge waste of stickers.

pottypete

@pottypete

My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

pottypete

@pottypete

please comment on wether you like the jokes please.

JessMonster

@JessMonster

Love them pete, please keep it up xxx

Munchies

@Munchies

I do. I think having a laugh makes all the difference.

gpeps

@gpeps

Hi Pete, I think the jokes are great - certainly helps to have a chuckle. Keep 'em coming!

pottypete

@pottypete

I'm in a wheelchair at the moment and so I have to pee sitting down. I still put the toilet seat up afterwards though, just to piss the wife off.

pottypete

@pottypete

I was walking down the street today when this hippie jumped out of nowhere and shoved a joss stick up my arse. I was incensed!

pottypete

@pottypete

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, while conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears. "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times: When i got fired, you comforted me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat. Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, why don't you just f*** off."

DJDsouza

@DJDsouza

Brilliant. Think I will steal some for my up and coming sit-down stand up comedian job ;)

pottypete

@pottypete

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled." Unbelievable what some people are into.

pottypete

@pottypete

Stephen Hawking can finally achieve an erection now that doctors have disabled his pop-up blocker.

pottypete

@pottypete

A chap goes to the Council for a job. The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?" Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years." The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ." The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? " "This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."

pottypete

@pottypete

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

pottypete

@pottypete

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way home they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole," she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought, then he touched her Milky Way. They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks, then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs. Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was quite pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge, then he gave her a boost. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he pulled out, his king size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he needed a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had VD. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett who apparently had Allsorts!

pottypete

@pottypete

19794 According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years: 1. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all. 2. The beach was too sandy. 3. I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish [...] Reveal the rest of this joke According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holidaymakers are just never satisfied. Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years: 1. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all. 2. The beach was too sandy. 3. I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him. 4. It rained on my birthday. 5. Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women. 6. I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts. 7. It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned. 8. We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake. 9. None of the hotel staff were English, and the tea didn't taste the same as at home. 10. I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.

pottypete

@pottypete

I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.

pottypete

@pottypete

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession. She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you." I said, "But, Baby, I can change." She said, "There you go again!"

pottypete

@pottypete

I've just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what the daft bastard wants with an ex box I'll never know.

pottypete

@pottypete

Please folks, give me some feedback. I feel so alone.

Stumbler

@Stumbler

Keep it up Pete, smiling is good for us..... :)

pottypete

@pottypete

An Italian immigrant was being given a medical. "Any history of illness in the family?" "Yes, my Grandfather died of herpes." "That's strange, it's not normally a fatal disease." "It is if you give it to Al Capone's wife."

pottypete

@pottypete

Scientology believes that illness doesn't really exist, that it's all in the mind. I was talking to a bloke at work who believes that kind of thing, and was telling him that my dad was ill. "No, he's not ill," he said. "He's only under the impression that he's ill. Just tell him that." I bumped into him a week later. "How's your dad?" "He's under the impression that he's dead," I replied.

pottypete

@pottypete

"So, Doctor, this little red pill is a miracle cure for my illness?" "I assume so, no one's ever come back for another one"

pottypete

@pottypete

oome on people you can add some too.

DJDsouza

@DJDsouza

My fiance's family had a right go at me when I did the "What's the longest sentence? and watching them slowly work out what I was implying! lol

pottypete

@pottypete

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine there. I only used it for about an hour, as I started to feel sick, but it's great: it's got KitKats, Mars bars, crisps and everything in it.

pottypete

@pottypete

A guy phones up his workplace on a Monday morning... "Sorry Boss, I can't come in today, I'm sick" "Dave this is the third Monday in a row you're had off. Just how sick are you?" "Well, I'm in bed with my little sister at the moment if that's any help."

pottypete

@pottypete

2898 An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptio [...] Reveal the rest of this joke An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?' "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with you ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

pottypete

@pottypete

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

pottypete

@pottypete

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

pottypete

@pottypete

Secrets to a Happy Marriage 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. and MOST important... 4. It is important that these three women never meet.

pottypete

@pottypete

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

pottypete

@pottypete

I went to the shop the other day to get some tablets for my dishwasher. She had a bad head and needed paracetamol.

pottypete

@pottypete

I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache." "It's a migraine," he explained. "No, it's not, it's mine - and why the fuck have you started speaking Italian?"

pottypete

@pottypete

I'm in a wheelchair at the moment and so I have to pee sitting down. I still put the toilet seat up afterwards though, just to piss the wife off.

pottypete

@pottypete

My daughter came home today wearing a new dress. She did a spin and asked how she looked. "Fantastic," I said. "You hardly notice the wheelchair at all."

pottypete

@pottypete

I had a huge fight with my girlfriend yesterday, but I know she'll come crawling back to me... ...I stole the bitch's wheelchair.

pottypete

@pottypete

Not sure how many reasd this , but been having a painful time lately so not feeling too funny. If you want more let me know.

Munchies

@Munchies

I sometimes just log in to see what the joke of the day is. Hope you're feeling better and in less pain.

Jojo

@Jojo

pottypete x thanks for cheering me up!! I hope you are feeling better x I would tell you a joke in return but I am one of those annoying people that tells the punchline first then works backwards!!

Alison

@Alison

I'm loving Joke of the Day - there should be a Shift page dedicated to humour!

Beki

@Beki

Great idea Alison! Watch this space...

pottypete

@pottypete

Starting to feel a little better. Am going on a holiday to recuperate. Normal service will be resumed after that.