MS and Grief

MS and Grief…the Grief of losing our former selves.

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We all know the five stages of grief, right?
denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

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But how are we supposed to handle the grief of losing ourselves? Are we as newly diagnosed people meant to go through of five stages of grief?
Let’s work through this.

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Denial: 

Denial is a big part of grief or so it was for me.  Once we receive our diagnosis, “you have MS” denial is first: We think 'No, that can’t be, are you sure, what does that mean' and for some of us, 'What is MS?' We (me) also may think if we don’t acknowledge it its not real.  It's like a gut punch or a bad dream we hope to wake up from.  We hope it’s a nightmare, that’s part of the denial.

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Anger: 

The thought that 'I’ve done everything right, how could this happen to me, how could God punish me like this? No f@$!ing way!' We may scream or yell, cry tears of anger. We want to hit someone or something… Anger was and sometimes still is a huge issue for me.  I was in the best shape of my life and I’ve always been a health conscious person and for WHAT, for MS to still get me and take so much away from me!
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Bargaining: 

Telling God if you take this away I’ll live a better life and be a better person. Thinking, if I do this differently then this illness may go away. What ifs are huge in this stage. At least they were for me. 

If only…

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Depression: 

Disbelief and the feeling that we’ll never be the same that we’ll never be “normal” again. Crying, not eating, not being able to function given this diagnosis you just received. Sad that you may be on medication for the rest of your life.  Believing that your spouse or life partner may leave you and getting carried away with that belief.  Feeling a sense of doom and FEAR! Thinking you’ll be a burden to your family and friends. I know I cried everyday for weeks. Falling and falling then falling some more. Into this darkness that we didn’t know we could possibly feel.

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And now the final stage ACCEPTANCE:
This stage is hard for me because I’m not sure that I’ll ever “accept” the illness and how it has negatively impacted me and my family, my dreams and my hobbies, my career, my abilities and so much more. However, I have kind of accepted the fact that this is the new me and I have come to the realization that MS is with me for life, and I will never be cured. I have made a conscious decision to continue on with my hobbies, my career and things I love in spite of having MS and to do so with a positive mindset. I’ve had to modify many things, but I still do them.  Does this part of acceptance mean I’m OK with having MS? Heck no! What it does mean is that I realize that MS isn’t going anywhere so I need to figure out how to live alongside her and make adjustments as needed in order to live the life I want to live. I don’t accept that MS is in my body making it go haywire. No, no freaking way but I accept she is an unwelcome occupant in my body.

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I know this next paragraph doesn’t deal with the topic of grief but I would not be doing my job as an MS warrior and National MS Society Ambassador if I didn’t acknowledge that MS has introduced me to so many amazing people and this amazing community of support, laughter and knowledge. I’ve learned so much from the MS community.  I’ve become a voice for MS.  I’ve gotten so involved in fundraising and spreading awareness. I’ve participated in events and pushed myself outside of my “new” comfort zone. I’ve learned that people want to get to know me and my MS story and that I am a support system for some people who live with MS.  The thought and realization that I can be that safety net for someone who is newly diagnosed is rewarding because that is what I want to do.  I want to help people.  So, for that, thank you MS.

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In closing I leave you with this…

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I encourage you to remember that grief is not linear. It is complex and has hills and valleys that are constant. It’s completely and it's beyond fine to still have all stages of grief on any given day.

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We are not meant to go through life being the same person the entire time. We hopefully evolve and learn from our mistakes and from our past. Our relationships change over time not only with our friends and family and loved ones but with ourselves. Everyone has bumps in the road. Everyone faces challenges. We grieve…the grief is for those we’ve lost and things we’ve lost. Lost relationships, lost jobs, loss of our former selves. But we are meant to carry on, right? It’s worth it.

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Anita Juarez

Diagnosed w/MS September 2020

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