I was just diagnosed in August after a year of unexplained symptoms and many diff types of dr and having to research my own symptoms just to advocate and demand more labs and referrals for next steps after normal labs kept getting doors shut in my face. After a long year of starting to think I was crazy or people in my life and Drs were right that it was “just stress” or turning 30 and “getting older”, I was honestly relieved to be diagnosed. I am not known for being the most positive person and have always been anxious and an over thinker, so the sense of relief and positivity in my diagnosis was weird to me. My therapist wisely said that it was common to feel that way after fighting for so long and being in survival and your body and mind can finally settle now that there’s an answer, even if it’s a shitty answer that your nervous system will relax and you’ll feel positive relief. She was also wise in telling me not to be surprised if the other shoe dropped and that feeling wore off and the reality sunk in later. Well that moment has come and for several months I think I have been trying to convince myself that since my symptoms “aren’t that bad” or “could be worse” or who am I to complain and just pushing through and pretending I was fine. After a year of symptoms and the diagnosis itself and then the months of “being strong” and getting though it, it kinda all flooded me that I am not ok. I am so angry and honestly grieving the life I had and have lost my identity in many ways and don’t really know who I am anymore outside of a person with MS bc it feels like life stopped and stood still for me when I was diagnosed while the rest of the world/people keeps moving past me speeding along and leaving me behind… Anyway, I recently accepted how bad my mental state has become and that much of my anger stems from repression and I’ve come to terms with the reality of my depression. I’m one week into Wellbutrin and starting to feel less overwhelmed with constant negative emotions/thoughts and can actually get out of bed and am not crying everyday anymore for the first time in months, but I am still depressed and grieving and angry.. I know there’s still a long journey ahead in healing but it finally is starting to feel like I can actually make it through this/i won’t be stuck here forever for the first time in a while which makes it feel a little less heavy... Just wanted to share with people that get it and provide solidarity or encouragement to anyone else that may be hesitant to accept the grieving process or stuck feeling like they should be ok and not seeking the help they deserve. No matter what our individual case may look like, it’s ok to not be ok. And it’s ok to not do it alone and get help to get through the hard chapters. And the chapters will ebb and flow, grief is not linear and that’s ok too. I’m learning to give myself more grace and patience and accept help when I need it and I just wanted to share this here for anyone else that may need to hear it! It’s ok to not be ok, and it’s also ok to just be ok. You don’t have to be “strong” or a “fighter” all the time… you can simply just be, and that is ok no matter what that looks like for you in any given day 🩵