I’m due for another infusion for my low IgG levels, and for some reason hearing “5 infusions” out loud completely stopped me in my tracks. I can’t even fully explain why it hit me this hard this time, but it did. Maybe because after years of appointments, medications, needles, tests, infusions, and trying to convince myself I’m “handling it,” the reality of it all suddenly felt impossible to ignore. I think there’s a strange kind of grief that comes with realizing your body has quietly become something you have to constantly manage instead of simply live in. MS has been part of my life for years, but lately it feels less like something I have and more like something that has me. I’m exhausted in a way sleep doesn’t fix. Tired of feeling sick, tired of feeling emotionally wrung out, tired of my body acting like it’s fighting against me instead of for me. And maybe the hardest part is wondering why now? Why, after carrying this for so long, does it suddenly feel heavier than ever? I don’t know if it’s burnout, fear, anger, or all of it tangled together, but right now I just feel stuck. I’m so tired of constantly adapting to whatever new thing MS decides to take, change, or demand from me. How do you all cope with this mentally? Because right now, I honestly don’t know how to carry it without feeling completely worn down by it.