@Ginge07

Last reply

Ginge07

Relationships

How many Ms sufferers who were single at diagnosis are still single? Especially after disability kicks in

Stumbler

@Stumbler

@ginge07 , welcome to Shift. OK, I'm not single now, or at diagnosis, but I do understand why you are posing this question. MS can be isolating, if we allow it to. And, we stand little chance of finding a partner if we don't get "out there". We may have MS, but we are still capable of being involved in deep and meaningful relationships. So, look at your present interests with a view to the amount of social interaction involved. Consider expanding present interests, or taking up new interests, where there is more social interaction, e.g. local clubs/societies. Your future is still in your hands.

Username

@Username

@ginge07 - I have been in a relationship with a girl for over a year, and I was diagnosed 10 years ago. It is absolutely true there are people out there who see past MS and are willing to love unconditionally. The thing to remember is, it really is about how much fun you're to be with, how much love you can give, and making the other person laugh a bit each day. These are all possible with MS...*technically*. However, this doesn't automatically mean a relationship will succeed. Unfortunately I am finding it increasingly difficult to be in a relationship. And this is primarily due to the way MS and MS symptoms piss me off and make me angry. IMO there are two areas that make relationships difficult: 1. Uncertainty - "normal" people can take normal risks and reasonably expect to follow a standard distribution of "life". I.e. work until retirement, remain in good health (albeit inline with the general population), drive, etc. MS means considering a future where one of you can't work, where the mortgage can't be repaid, where someone's at home. This is especially difficult if you're not visibly disabled, because of a partner just won't understand the risk averse nature that MS dictates. 2. Constant readjustment - just when you think you've got over yourself and are willing to make the best of things, be a great partner, etc, and wham, then comes something new to deal with. Confidence goes, anger can set in, and suddenly you're back at square one. Pissed off with the world, making huge amounts of effort to not regress. To summarise, the biggest problem with MS and relationships is not the lack of people willing to love you, but instead, the difficulty of being a person who's not a miserable bugger.

naomih

@naomih

Hi @ginge07. Where the hell do I start!? I met my ex husband at 21 when I was falling down a sink hole of despair because I was convinced I had MS. My mother had the worst case of pre-drugs MS and my Dad loved telling from a very young age that that was me in the future and I truly believed I would rather die than have MS. 14 years on... 2 Amazing children 1 divorce and about 12 DMDs (onto the market) Later!! I have been diagnosed, with lots and lots of little whatever they are called on my brain!! and a new scan due to see if I have more. Yes I am single...through choice. I cannot fit it in around the other stuff. I fundamentally believe that I could have a relationship and that someone would love me regardless. I just choose not to, because it is easier to isolate myself than get hurt....but that is a failing in me not others.

Username

@Username

@naomih - QQ. Is it precisely because you're worried about getting hurt, or is it a practical issue too? I ask because I find MS requires being more selfish, and I'm considering being single, not because I may get hurt, but because of the decisions I need to make around treatment, diet, lifestyle, property, job etc. Relationships are about compromise, and I'm worried I can't afford to compromise.

cameron

@cameron

I have a lot of friends but am single. I haven't met anyone I'd want to live with, but if someone came along and I thought I'd be happier together than I am on my own, I wouldn't rule it out. But it's unlikely - it takes me all my time to look after me. I don't think I'd be up for taking on someone else's problems. As a friend told me: 'At our age the opposite sex are looking for 'nurse or purse'. Not that I'm cynical you understand.....!

naomih

@naomih

@username. 13 years of marriage to an arsehole has made me uber selfish! When my children are older and I finish my degree I will re-asses. I like my life at the moment (apart from the MS stuff) I'm doing the stuff I want to do and creating a childhood for my girls that I didn't have. I'm not in a rush to change things ?

Ginge07

@Ginge07

Thankyou all. I have been trying for the last ten yrs to find a relationship. Through many ways, internet and groups, singles night etc. But now I have MS I think it is making things worse. But it doesn't sound like that is the actual truth. May be I am just a miserable bigugger

Stumbler

@Stumbler

@ginge07 , you may have hit a big nail on the head there. A Good Sense of Humour (GSOH) is normally a primary requirement for online dating. Yes, having MS is not nice, in fact in can be a complete pile of sh*t sometimes, but it can always be a lot worse. We just have to keep things in perspective and focus on the good things in life.

jman

@jman

Relationships are hard enough, throw in some medical stuff and you have to work even harder. Someone once said to me 'you may have 12 or more bad dates' before you get a good one. Don't give up, re assess, spend time on yourself, don't go hunting to please others too much. (get the balance right) I found dating sites a bit of a joke, adult social media and meetup.com more rewarding. www.outsiders.org.uk have taught me a bit about dating as a disabled person AND dealing with others . :)