AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.


AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HANG a Corn flakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of your house. Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass through will remind you to close the door behind you.


Drop half a dozen tea bags in your hot water tank, and enjoy having tea constantly on tap.

FOIL pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

ALWAYS keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

SMASH the entire contents of your home with a sledgehammer before going away on holiday. Then any would-be burglars who break in will get a taste of their own medicine.

STOP losing your keys, by chaining them to a large object: such as a chair. Then if you get tired of carrying your keys you can always sit down for a rest.

AVOID being late for your doctor's appointment by arriving 35 minutes late.

 read the dress code for funerals carefully. The words "sombre" and "sombrero" are only a couple of letters apart, but the effects are very different.

 Don't you just hate it when you put it in the wrong hole. I just put my headphones in the mic slot whilst watching porn and my family heard the lot.

RECREATE the festive cheer of a glass of mulled wine from a pub by microwaving a glass of Ribena mixed with Listerine.

GET instant pain relief after stubbing your toe by hopping on one leg and shouting 'F#CKING BASTARD' repeatedly.

FOOL reporters into thinking you're on trial by walking past the High Court with your coat pulled over your head.

PRETEND to be a skilled pharmacist by taking half an hour to put some tablets in a f#cking bag.

EMITTING a silent fart when opening a Dairylea Triangle will convince dinner guests it's an expensive French cheese.

FED UP of adhering to the Highway Code? Want to stop your car wherever you like? Simply have a child at school and drive an Audi.

GIVE a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man 'Plenty of Fish' and he'll send you 1 word messages and photos of his c#ck.

GET all the benefits of a Nutribullet without the cost by simply chewing your food before swallowing it.

MAKE people think they are stronger than they are by farting when they hug you.

GP SURGERIES. Create more business by providing a waiting room touch screen for all the ill people to share their infections.

LONELY? Cut your bread into a hand shape so you get a high five when it pops up in the toaster.

Great tips to make life a little more interesting  I'd like to try the windshield wiper one but we don't have meter maids anymore.  I guess I'll have to try the farting ones.   Potter

The first one's great coz you save money & get lots of exercise & the second one is just obvious! ;P The toe stubbing one definitely works, I've tested it many times! :D 

Thank you ladies;I just hope that I can cheer us up a bit as we go through this MS palava.X

BEAR GRYLLS. Take a packed lunch with you. Wotsits & a sandwich are much tastier than a scorpion's @rsehole.

AVOID the pain of stepping on upturned plugs by walking around with a four socket extension lead attached to each foot.

SAVE money on bottled water by filling a bottle with water.

PREPARE your kids for office life by asking them if they had a good weekend twenty times every Monday morning.

OLD PEOPLE. Avoid falling off the motorway by simply driving slowly and staying in the middle lane.

MAKE every BMW drivers Christmas by buying them a pack of indicator bulbs.

A WHOOPEE cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.

SIMULATE guiding a probe 300 million miles and landing it on a comet by getting a straw in a Capri Sun on the first attempt.

MATTHEW UPSON. Avoid the need for laborious motivational talks to your future child by naming them 'Chin'.

Lads,when a checkout lady asks you if you have a ‘Bag for Life’, don’t show them your scrotum.

I have sexdaily! ........................Oops, I mean dyslexia! Fcuk!

It's going to be one of those days, i thought to myself running over my wife over on the driveway outside our home. 
But imagine my surprise when, after looking through our old insurance policies, i realised i would not only be able to buy a new car with the insurance payment for my wife's death, but there would also be enough left over to by a new telly.

Last time I visited a motorway restaurant they charged £34.50 for a roast venison sandwich for me and my wife. 
I don't know about anyone else but I think that's two deer.

These wind farms don't make the wind, silly person. They take the wind and turn it into electricity. My worry is they'll build too many and we'll have no wind left.

I'm afraid I won't be voting because I prefer to vote with my feet. Unfortunately no matter how hard I try I just can't get the hang of writing a legible cross in a box with one of those silly little short wooden pencils between my toes.

Sprouts wrapped in silver foil make perfect budget Christmas tree baubles for people who are able to tolerate the smell of their dog's farts without gagging.

My Neighbour was banging my door at 3am this morning!! Lucky I was still up playing my drums.

 I have just looked in my copy of the 1822 edition of the Gentlemans Handbook and it offers this advice. A gentlemans member should be washed on a fortnightly basis in a dimly lit room . Always attend to the member in a flacid state as attempts to clean or buff when in an excited state can lead to blindness, insanity or extreme flatulence. Make sure your valet is on hand with some iced water in case accidental arousal should occur. The best method of cleaning is with a soft baby mink skin rag and carbolic soap using only gentle circular motions , taking care not to be too vigorous. If a gentleman likes to sport a well buffed penis he should instruct an under house maid to rub in some Old Ramsbottoms shining liquor until the required finish is achieved. Should the appendage have any unpleasant smell ask your cook to prepare a mixture of chillis, porridge and grouse urine in a leather sock , insert the member and let it steep overnight .

Must confess as I get older I get plenty of crows feet on my ageing face. Usually when lying on the street paralytic after a bottle of whisky and the crows are trying to pick my eyeballs out.

Do you think the Queen could clear a large room with one of her SBD'S? Older people seem to have the ability to create unbelievably nauseating guffs, something I am looking forward to when I get old.

Whilst my (ex) girlfriend was sleeping, I gently removed her Tampax and replaced it with a party popper. Some people have no sense of humour, I can tell you.

You can never be too careful on the roads nowadays. I leave my indicators on all the time when I'm driving, just to be on the safe side.

My wife is always complaining that I keep on borrowing her toothbrush. I can't think of a better way of getting dog shit off the sole of a shoe though

When I worked for the postal service, at one house a big dog came growling at me, a woman opened the window, and called out, "You'll be OK, just kick his balls..."
...So I gave the mutt an almighty boot in the bollocks, dropping it to the ground. 
"No, no!" she shouted, "The tennis balls on the front garden"

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.

Some Midweek Funnies