Sorry for the vent post but I really wanted to get something off my chest. For a long time I struggled to find a stable job and was stuck working irregular hours in fast food restaurants and cafés. My financial situation was quite bad. I was estranged from family and I was looking into food banks and desperately trying to sign up for free courses to be more employable/get more skills as well as applying to any job I could find. I finally found a somewhat stable job in an industry that was my passion and within a few months got my third MS relapse. It was severe and I needed steroids and was hospitalised. Through my hospitalisation I was diagnosed with MS... I had to fight tooth and nail for my job and they tried to essentially fire me at every turn but probably backed off once the discrimination was getting blatantly obvious. Whether it was malice or incompetence, I honestly don't know. But I feel as if I will never get the same opportunities as my coworkers or paid what I deserve. I'm so burnt out and exhausted. I don't think things will be better elsewhere. I don't even know if I'm capable of trying. I know that other people in my generation are struggling with the cost of living crisis and generally being able to be optimistic about the future. It's just that the struggles I've had before my MS and now with my MS have made me feel so bitter and so much resentment. I won't get into those. I feel trapped. If only I had years to establish myself in my career before getting sick. I'm constantly exhausted and at the brink. I hate how unfair the world is. I hate myself for being so bitter. I hate that I know things could be worse. But when it's time to pay the bills each month I get a feeling of dread. I feel subhuman. I hate that I still have to work full time even though it's hurting me. I literally cannot afford not to. I hate that I have to put on a mask of bubbly kindness or else people get uncomfortable at seeing a glimpse of my reality. I hate that I care more about making others more comfortable than prioritising my own wellbeing. I hate that I don't believe in anything, there's no comfort to any of this for me. I'm so full of hate and it honestly scares me. If I'm not angry I feel numb and helpless and trapped and not real. I hate it. Thank you for listening if you read all of this 🧡 I know things will not always be so bad (hopefully) but sometimes it gets really difficult convincing myself that.