Last reply 1 year ago
The dreaded smear test

I’m not even sure why I’m posting this but am hoping it’ll be cathartic!

I am currently diagnosed with CIS (multiple lesions in both brain and spine) and am waiting for my neurologist appointment on 21 June with results of latest MRIs and lumber puncture.

Until today, I thought I was doing ok emotionally about the whole thing and the wait for my results. People keep telling me how strong I’ve been and how well I look (I admit the latter gets a bit wearing when I don’t think I’ve felt like myself since early January this year).

What triggered my emotions today? Bizarrely a smear test (sorry fellas). I am not a fan (though they are essential and I have to have one every 12 months) but have never been emotional or even physically bothered by it, but today was really horrible.

My legs were uncomfortable and it really hurt. I came home feeling nauseous and emotional. I keep having tears and my hip and leg are now burning and tingly. I actually feel pretty pathetic and sorry for myself. I’m going with it though it feels like wallowing, which I don’t want to do.

What strikes me today is a need to prepare myself for things that I previously took for granted as ok. Things aren’t ok at the moment. I think I need to cut myself a break and have a blub (however weird it feels). I’m going with the flow.

Is this something anyone else has experienced over something that wasn’t an issue before. This sounds dramatic but I almost feel almost like I did when I lost my mum and dad. 😪 I don’t know where this has come from today.

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islandgal
1 year ago

Hey im sorry your feeling this way. i get the smear test thing…theyre not the nicest but are obv tiraly important for us woman. But with ms i find just simple tasks just normal things can erupt into exhausting confusing draining episodes of what used to be no biggy before.your not alone .i can find myself bursting into tears just because i cant understand a simple letter or trying to get to a medical appointment alone worrying if ill get home without flaking …it all seems dramatic for us at the time but please don’t beat yourself up.
Yes things can get overwhelming and doing such normal things …a smear !making food as for making a bed well thats a complete wipe out for me but like you say its weird why are simple things bothering me so much? Sucks but so does illness. I hope you get a definitive diagnosis soon as just having a reason for things helps us deal bit better.take care


Anonymous
1 year ago

Hey @columbosdog Sorry to hear you are feeling low. MS is a bit like a rollercoaster and you emotions are (I find) all over the place. You are going through something that is really life changing so give youself a break you can’t be srtong all the time. Go and have a good old cry – it really does make youself feel a bit better. Let yourself feel what you are feeling and try and not hold it all in all the time. You are grieving and need to let it come out so you can more on and accept what is happening.

I had a smear test not long after my diagnosis and at the time I was having a relapse and was well a bit confused by stuff. The nurse kept telling me to put my anckle together and open my legs, I kept getting muddled up and was putting my knees together and getting confused when she was telling me what to do lol In the end she put me in the position – how embarissing! So don’t worry I don’t know one girl who likes the smear test.

Talking about things changing though, I am getting laser hair removal on my bikini line and so far it has been fine and I can handle the pain fine. But on Saturday OMG I was in so much pain, never felt anything like it. The therapist couldn’t understand why I was in so much pain as she hadn’t changed the settings or anything. I was actually sick on the way home from the pain – so now I am wondering if I have been a bit numb previously in that area and now the feeling is coming back – who knows! So I guess I am what I am trying to say is things change everyday with MS and so do your feelings some days you will feel like wonder woman and others you will just want to curl up on your own and watch a soppy film (personally I love The Notebook) and have a good cry, which there is nothing wrong with.

Take Care and feel better soon!

Avril x


columbosdog
1 year ago

Thank you for your words @islandgal I am feeling a bit better now. I think I underestimated how emotional I am at the moment and it just tipped me over. It’s a weird thing being in limbo too I think – I’m not quite sure how I’ll feel if they diagnose MS or not. I think I need to be a bit more honest with myself and my partner about how emotional I feel. He’s being brilliant but I also don’t want to worry him too much. It’s all a maelstrom of emotions really.

Thanks again

Chris


columbosdog
1 year ago

Thanks @avrilt I went and had a massive cry today (no movie required!). Feel much better now too. It’s so weird how the sensations change isn’t it. I have lost some sensation in my knee and a fair bit in my foot and hot and cold is bizarre. I felt upset today as hadn’t had the burning in my hip before. It just reminded me of how weird the whole thing is and how unpredictable every day. I’m a bit of a control freak so not being able to control it freaks me out! Thanks for your words – I love this forum. X Chris


islandgal
1 year ago

Your welcombe chris.look you need ro really stop syressing untill you know whats what.i know its hard and its all so emotional and up in the air for you of course.its ok to cry for any reason you get it off your chest girl! I do it a lot myself ..but luckily im alone when it happens allthough my last 2 neuro appointments i broke down ( the depression i think)poor chap ! Keep us posted on how you get on .were all in it together remember 😊


islandgal
1 year ago

Oh and up and down us completely normal ..ms or not.were woman and were allowed


islandgal
1 year ago

Moi …lynn


columbosdog
1 year ago

Thank you Lynn, I will do 👍😊


sophia_gaston
1 year ago

“People keep telling me how strong I’ve been and how well I look”- reading this made me feel so glad I’m not the only one. It’s like when family tell me how strong and amazing I’ve been dealing with this I immediately feel incredibly weak inside yet more inclined to hide my weakness. It’s so hard to verbally communicate my feelings firstly because I don’t quite understand them myself and secondly because I know no one can help my situation so why bother making them feel rubbish along with me.

Long story short: this sucks.

I also need to accept that things are going to change and even if I try to carry on as normal- some things are out of my control. That’s hard. I definitely agree with you that suddenly a seemingly small thing will surprise me with a crumbling down of emotional barriers I’ve set up. I guess I need to get used to a lack of control.


cameron
1 year ago

The way I look at it – we ARE coping. We all deal on an everyday basis with normal life + the MS. But the MS occupies the space in life which would otherwise be a sort of reserve tank for problems/issue/stuff. So think straws and camels’ backs. The least little thing on top of the burden can tip things – and it’s irrelevant what that particular thing is. What matters – and what you should be patting yourself on the back about – is that you’re dealing successfully with the big important stuff. And if that means that we’re less good in certain areas or (as in my case) we lose friends or upset people, so be it. Big hugs, x

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