4 years ago
Have a laugh on me

“I caught my twelve-year-old son looking up women’s skirts today,” I told the barman after my second whiskey.

“That’s pretty normal for a twelve-year-old, isn’t it?” he asked.

“Not on eBay it isn’t!” I said.

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I heard the Queen’s got diarrhoea

Nobody will have seen royal skidmarks as bad as this since that tunnel in Paris.

Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.

The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.

“Ah,” says Paddy, “so you farted too?”

Brian from accounts passed me this morning as I was going to work, he must have been doing at least 100mph.

Mind you, he did jump from the thirty-second floor.

I went to see my Doctor today.

“Doc, whenever I have sex my penis hurts”

“Can you tell me how you have sex?” he replied.

“Sure, but your Dad probably should have had this talk with you”.

It cost me thirty grand when my wife was kidnapped.

Hell of a party though.

I got into a black taxi in Birmingham last weekend and told the driver that I was going to London.

He said, “That’s going to be about £400.” which I thought was quite reasonable, until I saw a sign in the back saying ‘I Will Charge You £60 If You’re Sick In The Back!’

So I shoved my fingers down my throat.

After years of calling for the destruction of Britain and compulsory Islam for Europe, radical cleric Abu Qatada was arrested today and remanded in custody.

A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service said, ‘He went too far this time. His wheelie bin was over-full and the lid wouldn’t close.’

My wife and I view sex differently.

For instance, I view it on the Internet.

I was watching Crufts on TV, but the missus turned over to ‘Take me out’ when I went for a piss….

It took me 20 minutes before I noticed.

I walked into a hotel last night and said to the receptionist. “How much is it for a night?”

“£120, sir.”

I said, “Nice one, I’m in room 221.”

After we had sex, she walked funny for a week.

That’s how hard she was laughing.

Lol! Cool 🙂 xxx

me laughing Pete %( )

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