4 years ago

I was lying on the doctors examination table today when she asked “How is your libido?”

“My what?” I replied

“Libido” she said “Do you feel like having sex?”

“Ok,” I replied “But we’ll need to be quick my wife is waiting in the car”

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I seem to get erections in the most awkward places.

Last night I had one while I was in bed with the wife. I like this!This is poor. Edit this

“Woman Climbs Everest Twice In A Week”

That will teach her to leave her handbag at the summit.

“You remind me of my wife,” I said to my private lap dancer.

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” she giggled, “is she pretty?”

“No it’s just I also give her shit loads of money and I don’t get any sex.”

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer which means the average human gets 41 miles to the gallon. Not bad…..

Two guys in motorised wheelchairs are chatting.

“Have you got ABS?”

“Nah, polio.”

A pub’s closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door, then to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:
“You were really drunk last night weren’t you?”
“Yeah, why? How do you know?”
“You left your wheelchair at the pub.”

I’m in a wheelchair at the moment and so I have to pee sitting down.

I still put the toilet seat up afterwards though, just to piss the wife off.

Janice was tired of living alone so she put an ad on a lonely hearts web site. In it she wrote, ‘Man wanted. Must treat me nicely, must be looking for long term relationship and must be good in bed.’
She didn’t hear much back but then one day she had a reply. After exchanging messages and chatting over the phone they arranged to meet at her house. She sat nervously waiting until the doorbell rang. She answered the door to see a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
“Oh Hello”, she said trying not to act surprised at the man’s appearance, “You must be Richard.”
“Hi Janice. Please don’t be mad at me, I thought if I told you about my disability over the phone you wouldn’t have given me a chance.”
Janice had a good heart so she invited him in and sat down to talk it through. Hoping to reason with him she says, “I asked for three things in my ad Richard. How do you think you can fill them?”
“Well Janice, as you can see, I have no arms so I won’t beat you and I’ll always treat you nicely. I have no legs and I can’t run away from you, so I’m up for a long term relationship.”
Janice could see her softly softly approach wasn’t working so she snapped, “Yes Richard but are you any good in bed?”
To which Richard smiled and replied, “Well how do you think I rang the doorbell Janice?”

I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised.

“What happened to your face?” I asked.

“I’m a Paralympian,” he replied.

“Boxing?” I enquired.

“No…” he said, “… hurdles.”

Yesterday, I told my wife: “You know you were walking in your sleep again, right?”

She looked at me, totally shocked and surprised.

Then I started laughing and told her I was just kidding.

I don’t think she appreciated that joke, by the angry way she was tapping on her wheelchair.

The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America.

One of the ads uses the slogan “MS: It’s not a software company” exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met with silence from Microsoft which doesn’t relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can’t afford to appear insensitive over such an issue. Most people however, should have no trouble telling the two MS’s apart.

One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread problem that renders the sufferer barely able to perform even the simplest of tasks. The other is a disease.

🙂 last one I LOL

Like ’em!!

I like the doorbell one! HAHAHA

Lol!!! Cool, thanks 🙂 xxx

Hahaha! Some good ones there. 🙂

u did it Pete, you made me cry with laughter!!!!

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