Since Sunday I have felt so utterly useless. I had an extreme neuropathic pain day one of the worst I’ve had to date. Then Monday and Tuesday I had these migraines accompanied by severe dizziness. Literally felt like the ground was shifting beneath my feet. Wednesday until now I feel like I’m in a fog. It’s almost as though I’m not in my body… that I’m somewhere else and cannot connect to anything. People talk to me and it’s as though they’re a million miles away. I try and respond and I can’t find the words and jumble a word or sentence. I’ve been at work since 7am this morning and doing the routines there that I’ve been doing for eleven years but nothing makes sense and it takes huge amounts of energy to do tasks that used to come so naturally. I completed half the tasks I was supposed to and spent a considerable amount of time hiding in the loo because I feel so **** and just can’t face anyone. Feel like a failure and that I’ve let my colleagues down. Then I get home to an empty flat and there are endless tasks that need to be done. The hand tremors are so bad I’m struggling to hold onto things and constantly drop stuff. I see a psychotherapist and she said that what I resist persists… to imagine that if someone had a tight grip of my wrist and I was trying to pull away; it would actually cause me pain. She said to notice all these feelings and just let it go. The more frustrated I get the worse they seem to become sometimes. I just find it hard living on my own, working and trying to coincide with this crappy disease. I’m pretty sure my fiancé thinks I’m just moaning…. that’s the usual response I get. It seems like people without MS just don’t get it. I had my haircut on Wednesday and the hairdresser commented on how well I look and that you’d never know I had MS. I thought what the hell is MS supposed to look like! Yes I take the time to do my hair and make up… so that when I look in the mirror I don’t see the brokenness that I feel inside. It such a shame that all these symptoms suddenly flared; I was having days where although not symptom free I felt I was winning. Now it feels like I am drowning in the abyss and no one quiet seems to get it! For now I’m having a cat nap. If no one else will respond to my needs… I’m going to listen to my body. If my fiancé dare complain that my flat isn’t tidy etc, I will lose the plot!!!!
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