So I finally got my head around having MS, told my family and am slowly getting around to telling my friends, but suddenly and out of nowhere I am wracked with guilt.
I am feeling so guilty about having MS. And yes, I know this is foolish because I can’t help having MS but I just can’t shake off this overwhelming feeling of guilt no matter how many pep talks (ok, shouty conversations) in front of the mirror I have given myself.
I feel guilty that my husband has to put up, not only with me and my (he says) sometimes irrational moods (the cheek!), but he also has to put up with the fact that I don’t know how I am going to be feeling from one day to the next; that sometimes my grip is so weak, I can’t open the lid of the marmalade (a crisis at breakfast time); that sometimes when I wake up and get up in a hurry, I get so dizzy I crash into the door frame; that sometimes (well actually most of the time) I’m so tired I can hardly speak and conduct conversations in a series of grumpy grunts.
I feel guilty that my son is going to grow up with a mother who can’t promise to go on exciting adventures with because she is so exhausted. I feel bad that instead of doing lots of cultural and learning activities, he is entertained by the television a lot of the time. I feel useless when I see ‘normal’ mothers doing the sorts of things with their children that I should be doing with mine.
Despite all the reassurances from my husband that I’m being silly thinking these things and that it is probably a stage I’ll get through, and the obvious love he and my son have for me, I still can’t help thinking about what a burden I am to them.
And even though I am trying to stay positive, I don’t know what to do to get me out of this guilt-filled world my brain has suddenly found itself in.
So the latest challenge my old friend MS has presented me, is to overcome this feeling I have. Got any tips??