Last reply 1 year ago
The dating game

Hi everyone. I’m looking for advice with regards to dating and how and when you should discuss having M.S. I have been single now for about 18 months and want to get back out there ha ha. I have RRMS. Still work full time but struggle with my balance and fatigue. I was dating a guy recently and told him about my condition and not long after he told me he’d met someone else. I was really upset. I never asked him if it was because of my condition as part of me didn’t want to know, and he never insinuated that it was anything to do with that. It’s making me feel paranoid that this will be a recurring theme and it’s putting me off trying to find someone altogether. Has anyone had any similar experiences or any advice with handling disclosure of a condition? Please help! I’m really down thinking about it all the time.

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Anonymous
1 year ago

I have been there myself. I have been single for 3 years and mostly because of my studies but in the last year or so I haven’t thought about dating cos I was numb. I find just being open and like upbeat about it, they don’t see it as an issue. I’ve dated people that see me as a burden and I was once told “I don’t want to succumb to your disability” which was really shocking for someone who installs lifts for a living 😅 dodged a bullet with that one anyway but yeah I didn’t want someone that thought I was too much hassle even though I’m pretty independent. You find people that see you as damaged and think you just want a carer and you get others that want to look after you and it’s hard to put across that in some cases you don’t want that at all, you just want someone that likes you as you.

Honestly it’s hard graft at the end of the day. But in my experience I’m playful with my condition – it’s all about finding the positive in yourself before finding someone else who can also see the positive in your situation. We all have bad days at the end of the day, just our bad days are pretty extra and there will be someone out there that understands that.


ruggermad
1 year ago

Hi @emma_lousie I can only speak for myself but personally I would not be fazed by a disability/illness if i knew the other person was “owning” the condition. I find strength an attractive attribute in the opposite sex and somebody who had a “condition” who was in control and coping well would be a plus for me. Simillarly if somebody had a child from a previous relationship and was doing fine bringing them up would get my respect. I think deep down I would think that they were coping well and didn’t need me to intefer with shit I know nothing about.

I got diagnosed with MS shortly after I got married, so had some emotinal relationship shit to deal with around that time. My wife was great but I still felt pretty awkward about not being the man in which she married. Things worked themselves out and life continues to be good.
At the end of the day though, if the other person has an issue with a personality trait/ disability then they just have to jog on and you will have to continue with your search. From experience, everytime I’ve been starting out with a relationship where people are not honest or one party has a “doubt” then those relationships have never taken off. I’ve wasted time hoping that “things might happen” when in reality, it was never going too.

I believe that honesty is the best policy in life and disclosure is something which is better done up front.

Good luck


briant
1 year ago

Hi Emma-Louise when looking for a relationship I personally tell them out right as I’m in a chair and it’s pretty obvious as the wheels give it away. I know it’s a bit harder for us msers to pull as I know from experience as I joined the dating game again after 18 years of marriage my ex couldn’t handle the chair. But there are some good people out there You just got to look a little harder and be a little more picky. P.S. If your between the ages of 29 to 40 and pretty and live in Wales get in touch I will take you out on a date.


n3tm4n
1 year ago

I think being honest and open is always the best approach. When I first started dating my now wife and she told me she had chronic uncontrolled epilepsy, I appreciated the honesty and found the strength she did and still does show an attractive part of her personality.

Obviously I’m not drawing parallels between MS and epilepsy, they are both conditions that vary wildly between different people. I do think the strength to be open about then early in a relationship is positive.

Some may not want to be in a relationship with a MS person, but best to find out early if they are like that then wait and suffer later in life.

Try to be strong, enjoy the good bits when you can. Wish you all the best for the future.

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