Last reply 4 months ago
Relationship-related question

Relationship-related question

I wanted to share some thoughts, and get maybe some opinions on something that has been lately on my mind.

I am 28 (almost 29), and have been in my latest relationship for about a year now. My partner is very supportive, and kind-hearted, and has been helping me with a great deal of things.
In general I would say I have been happy with the relationship even with him having flaws (don’t we all!).

However, I recently started feeling that one of his flaws has began gaining more and more power over all of his good traits:

He doesn’t care at all about his health.
What this means is that he smokes a lot, and eats very unhealthily. So far I have always tried to encourage him to live healthier, but to no avail.
One issue that this kind of behaviour has been causing is that he gets sick all the time, and what happens is that I immediately get sick too. As someone with MS you can imagine why this is quite upsetting to me.
I have talked to him a lot about this, and he seems to understand that staying healthy is important for me, however he completely refuses to see the connection to his behaviour. He says things like ‘you can’t force me to quit smoking if I don’t want to’ and he keeps eating carelessly, often offering me unhealthy food, even if I have explained to him that my priority is to maintain a healthy diet. He claims that I can’t prove that he is the one who is getting me sick, and that ‘I can’t live in a bubble’.

So, all in all, while he is a very nice and supportive boyfriend, his sort of careless approach to life, has started making me having several thoughts about how to handle the situation and the relationship.

Has anyone had any similar experiences with partners? I know it’s hard for people to tailor to our MS needs completely, but I can’t help but feel that all the love and support he is giving me are starting to become overshadowed by this behaviour. Am I being extreme/controlling with wanting him to stop these behaviours and try to be more healthy?

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8 months ago

Sorry for the title being in the question, I tried deleting the post so I can re-write it, but I don’t think it’s possible on a phone

Thank you beforehand for any replies

8 months ago

Hi @miapi. Well, me and my husband have successfully coexisted with him eating healthily and me eating junk food, until I got diagnosed last year and started eating better. If you ask me, it’s the smoking that would be the real issue for me. Hopefully he doesn’t smoke indoors? It’s a tough one, and the toughest part is that there’s no happy medium with the smoking. Oh dear, hopefully others will come up with some suggestions……. Great that you’ve got a supportive partner though, that’s golden.

8 months ago

Hi @miapi , it’s the old case of “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink!

I can understand your desire for your partner to live more healthily. Not only will it be good for your partner’s health and his finances, but it will also be a benefit to your health.

How old is your partner? It could just be a question of growing up. It takes a lot longer for some of us, especially males.

You can only make your case for a healthier lifestyle and hope your partner sees reason.

8 months ago

@miapi you are in a difficult situation but it may resolve itself in time albeit slowly. You can’t take any risks with your health and he needs to be made to understand that ANYTHING he does that affects your health if not on. He may be very supportive, I had all the support I needed but from someone who was doing it out of duty not love so the temptation to hang on to somebody who is doing it out of affection is very great but at the end of the day your health could seriously affect your future there’s no point in having a great love to possibly mourns over you? Worth thinking about!😍

8 months ago

What do you want from the relationship? Are you just having fun or looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with? You can’t make people change. You have to accept them for who they are. If who they are doesn’t work for you then let them know but be prepared to walk if you’re looking for something permanent. My husband eats horribly, doesn’t exercise, and smoked a pack a day when I met him. I refused to date him for several years because of the smoking. He quit smoking, we dated, and we got married. His not smoking was absolutely a condition of our marriage. He has never eaten healthy or exercised and never will but I can live with those. You’re never going find someone who’s perfect, and that’s probably a good thing, but you need to know your deal breakers.

4 months ago

@vixen @stumbler @grandma @mamawals

I just wanted to give a very belated thank you to your answers!

I was quite busy when I wrote the question with moving houses, forgot to reply, and then a lot of time passed.

To give you an update (xD) my partner has switched to an electronic cigarette, which I feel is at least better (but still bothers me if I have to be completely honest).
His diet is still the same, but, agreeing with all of you, I don’t expect anyone to change completely who they are, so even small changes are appreciated.

@stumbler My partner is 28 so you could say he is relatively young, but in my opinion old enough to start adopting a bit more responsibility on a more general level…

But yeah, time will tell how things go in our relationship. We _all_ have the duty to try to constantly improve and develop ourselves, so I am focusing more on myself regarding the latter at the moment.

In any case, thanks a lot for all the advice/opinions!

4 months ago

You’re definitely NOT being extreme nor controlling… my husband was diagnosed primary progressive 3 years ago… I tried to help him to be more healthy to attempt to help him… over that time, it’s been getting harder and harder to try to help him… now I’VE been diagnosed relapse/remitting… I’m afraid his bad habits will become mine too… not sure how to get out of this cycle I’m in, and try to help myself, even though if he don’t want do do it for himself… I’m in constant pain, and I’ve heard if you’re healthy, it helps you be proactive in your own care…

4 months ago

Hi [email protected], it’s such a good thing that posts like these exist, if only for the reason that people often share the same experiences. Glad there have been some positive moves for you. Hello too @tammy_odonnel, that’s very tough luck for you both. But, it’s still fairly early days post-diagnosis, so working out new systems and routines may well take a while. It took at least a year after dx for me with RRMS and now, in my third year, still trying to find a more balanced, middle way. So have faith that you can make things fall into place gradually.

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