Last reply 2 months ago
I don't know…

I just don’t know anymore. Is it fatigue, or am i just lazy? Do I need help, or is it plain attention seeking? Do I really struggle with everything, or did I got used to people helping me out so I just do bare minimum and expect others to accept it? Did ms become my “character trait’ and im being annoying to people? And I thought it would get easier after MAX a year.

I skipped important classes for few weeks now. If I went to uni my stomach would hurt, I got dizzy and nauseous. I would cry in bathrooms. I don’t feel that I’m good enough to be there. I hate it. One of my profs said that “you keep saying that you are not good at it. Stop saying that and just do it”. As if it was that easy. After classes I come back home and sleep. I’m too tired to work on projects. Sometimes it’s not even physical, but it’s hard to Focus, to think. I come off as lazy and stupid. And all that “everyone is tired”, “we all sometimes wish to die”. Maybe. It doesn’t seem good to me though.

Tried to ask neuro about psychologist. She said that “there is one consultation a year”. And that consultation is a questionare. On a scale 1-5 how do you feel… Then visited psychiatrist on my own. She laughed at me first (“where on earth do you meet friends?” after I told her that two of my friends tried to commit suicide) and then gave me antidepresants without telling me why or how to use them. Didn’t even bought them. Now I’m waiting for another visit with another psychologist, but it’s next month.

It’s a long post. I’m really sorry. It’s not even connected to ms. I feel lost and powerless. I have no idea what to do. I just hope it’s going to be better some day.

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rogersouthall
2 months ago

Ryba, in the early stages of diagnosis I was questioning everything, I ran a company in the States, had numerous employees and worked sometimes 16+ hours a day, now a short visit to the shops and I return home tired, there are times when I can spend days sitting as my body just slows down, everyone is different and I would imagine you are taking a prescribed drug for your MS, if not seek advice, if you are it may not be the right one, it really is a case of understanding what you have and understanding your bodies capabilities.
On here there are videos and blogs, mine http://www.wholesorts.com will show my ups and downs coping with MS, the first 2 years for a number of reasons were awful, now, well now I understand MS.
Good luck, and we are always on this site whenever you need us


rmdaniels
2 months ago

@ryba
I TOTALLY get it! Your post says exactly how I feel too. I can say that I handle things better on antidepressants. I’ve been on them for many years and they do help me keep an “even keel” so my emotions don’t overtake me! I hope tomorrow is a much better day!


strictlysoca
2 months ago

Hi @ryba

I noticed you are in Poland. In the UK universities have a duty to help students with disabilities like MS perhaps they could get you the support you need to continue to study. Poland is in the EU (tries not to mention Brexit and fails) so is also covered by similar human rights and anti discrimination law.

Also do you have a student counselling service or support? They can help too.

You are not lazy or stupid but It seems that MS symptoms like low mood, fatigue and brain fog are having an impact on study. Try to pace yourself and work little and often. Also it seems that if you are getting dizzy and so on when you go to a lecture that you might be experiencing high levels of anxiety around your studies. This is normal as you have a lot to cope with. Again try to get some help

I hope you can reach out to your tutors and the university services. Keep going! May be investigate part time options or ways to get your degree that works for you.

Wishing you well


marcyg921
2 months ago

Hi and yes I know exactly what you mean. Even though I am in a much better position mentally than I was a few years ago, even to this day I still have them doubts. Right now I’m in London and all week long my brain has been telling me to cancel this trip and right now I have absolutely no desire to go out and do anything. What does this mean? Honestly I don’t know. I guess all we can ever really do is hope it gets better for us one day.


ryba
2 months ago

@rogersouthall It really is like learning to understand our bodies, how to do some things in a different way now. Thank you for the link to your blog!

@rmdaniels I’m glad they help you! Thank you, tomorrow has to be better. 🙂

@strictlysoca We do, and it is suprisingly new. I don’t really trust the person who runs it though. The thing is, it is a small uni. There’s about 25 people on my year. I’m a bit scared of what will others say. It’s a small field, and opinions unfortunately matter. I know it’s silly. When I mentioned to my classmates about talking to tutors about my problems they adviced me to “do my job, tutors don’t care”.
I’ll try to work little and often, thank you!

@marcyg921 I hope that your trip will be great! Sometimes our brains won’t cooperate… Hope that you will feel better soon and go out 🙂


strictlysoca
2 months ago

@ryba it is always a risk asking for help and especially as some ignorant people can be unkind and assume you are getting special treatment is you have any adjustments to help you come with your disability.

I don’t think you are silly to consider the impact of telling your tutors however your able bodied classmates perhaps don’t understand that tutors might care if there is a definite medical reason for you needing some help.

I am sorry you don’t trust the person running the support service. Would it help to take someone with you to take notes and help you say what you want to say so you don’t feel so alone with everything?

All the best with your studies. Having MS does not affect our intelligence 🤓

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