Hey all. Hope everyone is well. So once again fair warning this could end up being a long post so for that I am sorry. But I just have to get this off my chest because I am about at my limit here. So please don’t feel obligated to read this. It is more just so I have an outlet to get this out before it eats at me anymore then it has already. That and I am very ignorant still in expressing my feelings I guess is the best way to put it. I am still of the old fashioned type mindset because of the way that I was raised I suppose. I am the man of the house. Need to be the strong one. The glue that keeps everything together no matter the issue big or small. Emotion isn’t really the option cause someone needs to have the level head at all times. Well guess what that level head isn’t feeling so level anymore. I heard somewhere many years ago now and many times since then as well. “God doesn’t give you anymore then he knows that you can handle.” Well if that is the case at this moment and point in my life he must think I am Superman or some other indestructible super hero because WOW after the news we got today about my 14 year old step-son I don’t know if I am ready for this next challenge yet. We found out today that he possibly has scoliosis. Well actually we found out last night there was a problem when he came home from the weekend at his dads. It is winter time here in wonderful Southwestern Ontario Canada so it is pretty cold. So don’t see him without a shirt on at all. However well he was at his dads he went swimming and it was noticed there was a big oddly shaped lump on his back. So my wife brought him to the Doctor today and was sent for x-rays. So now we have to wait a couple days for the Doctor to get the results but she was fairly confident in her assumption though. Now with that said let me give you a bit of a rundown on my life to add to all of this so you all that read this understand why I am at my end. So lets start at the start. I am 17 at the time. Have a great girl or so I thought anyway at the time. We got foolish and she ended up pregnant. Yes I know not smart. However I was also in the army at the time. As I had my parents permission to enlist early. It was an amazing experience up until it wasn’t anymore. I got home on leave for one weekend and she gave me a choice either her and the baby or the army. However at the time that was really not a choice that was up to me. I was locked into a minimum 4 years. So I unfortunately had to choose the army. Mind you I tried to get out first and did not have a valid enough reason for them to release my from my obligation. So fast forward a few months and I get another leave and come home to visit family and friends for a few days to find out that she has had the baby and immediately had given it up for adoption. I was completely dumbfounded and angry and mad and hurt. I tried for all I was worth in the short amount of time to find out what happened and if there was anyway I could fight this. However in the end nothing came of it really except that I found out it was a healthy baby boy and was given a name that I am not sure was even kept unfortunately. That destroyed me for a while. Still to this day there is a little place in my heart that is lost and locked away that is his and will always be his forever. I still think of him every single day. I always will. Onto the next roadblock in my life a couple years later. I am still mad and angry and confused and had a completely rebellious do what I want and to hell with the consequences attitude I guess you could say. I was with another girl that I thought yep this is the one. But now that I look back I think it was more the my parents didnt like her so yep this is a good way to make them mad and leave me alone. Well needless to say we were foolish too and ended up having a baby with her. Another boy. However by the time she had him we had split up on not the best terms and didn’t get to see hime for the vast majority of his first 5 years. Until she ended up in court for a custody battle against Children Services and I was contacted by them as a possible solution to the problem. So I got a lawyer and we went into this case full steam ahead. Got all our ducks in a row until BAM!!!! Another roadblock. As my lawyer was digging through files of endless paperwork she came across the names of the temporary adoption peoples names on one of the forms and realized the she has them as clients which immediately means that there is a conflict of interest and she is unable to defend me any longer. I had run out of options and had no where left to go as it was right at the end of the time right before trial. So I went in and defended myself the best I could. In the end we both lost and he became Ward of the Crown. So I am in my early 20’s at this point. Living with my sister. A complete mess of a person. Very depressed and angry. I a horrible horrible downward spiral. Slowly pushing everyone away from me because I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt all over again from something. Just not in a very good place at all. I moved out of my sisters place and in with a girl that I had started dating during all this. We were in an on and off kind of relationship for a while. Well 10 years ish. So anyway I had moved back in with her and I was so down and angry and didn’t want to feel what I was feeling anymore and got into drugs. Started out with weed. But that wasn’t enough or didn’t do what I wanted it to do for me at the time anyway. So I started exploring a little further into that world I suppose you could call it. Trying different things and experimenting with different drugs to see what would fit with what I was looking for out of it. The out come I wanted was not to hurt anymore. Not physically but mentally and emotionally. I just didn’t want to feel anything. I wanted to forget. It took a while for me to find it but I eventually did. That drug was none other then Cocaine. It fixed everything and was wonderful. It was 2 years every day, multiple times a day wonderful. Untill it wasn’t anymore. I woke up one day and I was actually cutting and chopping up a line and got a glimpse of myself in the mirror I was using. I know it sounds silly but is the God’s honest truth I didn’t see me anymore and I scared me. It was like a truck had hit me. I set everything down a just cried. Everything I had locked away in that little box for so long all came out and I couldn’t stop it. Right then and there I quit. Have not touched it since. Don’t get me wrong I have had many days since where I have thought I know any easy way out of all this. But then I remember that glimpse and remember I don’t ever want to be that person ever again. Shortly after that I reconnected with my now girlfriend/wife. We will be back together for 11 years now I think come this coming July. Yes I did say back together. We had dated for a bit in high school and it just didn’t work out for us at the time. However its like the saying goes I guess. “If it’s meant to be it will be.” However coming into it though I knew she had had two of the most amazing boys. Or what would become two amazing boys any. But two boys none the less. I also knew that her youngest sone had a kidney problem called Nephrotic Syndrome. Which is for some reason the kidneys stop working properly and he would get really sick and had to be on some pretty heavy doses of Prednisone for a really long time to get everything working properly again. So loads of problems all of the time. Specialist appointments out of town. Along with the worry of not knowing if he will grow out of it once he hit puberty cause there was a chance he might not have. However thankfully he was one of the lucky ones that did. So life was good for a while. Was with an amazing woman that I love with all my heart. No matter how much she makes me mad. I may not like her much at times but I love her to death. We had both went back to school and got degrees in what we wanted. Plus had our baby girl mixed in there at the same time. So we were always busy and it was the way it was suppose to always be. Happy doing things we enjoyed doing. Learning things in the fields of our interests. Raising our little family. Got a job at a one of our local internet companies doing tech support. BAM!!!! Roadblock. I got so stressed out at it from all the people that would yell at you because their internet isn’t working. I loved my job. The people I worked with and for where amazing. I just couldn’t handle the stress of it any longer so I quit. I had a hard time finding work after that for a little while. I ended up getting a job with a garage company that is an hour away from where I lived. But I didn’t mind the drive as I had done it for 4 years worth of school. So I go into work the first day all energized and excited. I know it is garbage what is there to be excited about. I didn’t look at it that way. Yeah it is just garbage but there is also the free exercise cause trust me garbage isn’t light most times. There is the sun on nice days. There was lots to be excited about. However about halfway through the day I started not feeling so very well. But I pushed through it. Just thinking it was a long day and I had not worked that hard in a long time. But the time I drove the hour home and my body had time to relax I felt even worse. I walked in the door. Kissed my wife and told her I loved her and I was taking a shower and going to bed because I wasn’t feeling very good at all. So I did just that. Got up the next morning still feeling like I did the night before but got in the shower and got ready and headed off to work at 5:45 in the morning. I had only gotten about a half hour into my hour drive to work and had to pull over to get sick twice. I decided that there was no job in this world that I am willing to go to in this condition. I don’t care if it is only my second day. Fire me whatever. My health is way more important to me than any job. So I got off the highway called work and informed them. Then I called my wife and let her know I was coming home. I get home and went right back to bed and slept all day and all that night. With intervals of having to use the restroom. Woke up the third day and realized the whole left side of my body was numb. Obviously we didn’t know at the time but welcome to our next hurdle to try our best to overcome. So we go to the Doctor and go through all the tests and we all know how that all goes most of the time. MRI’s, LP, examination, blah blah blah. Oh side note if I ever need a LP for anything ever again they can go $&@! Themselves. Just saying. Now in this mess too we are also trying to figure out what is going on with my wife as well as she was having some female related issues that started after she had our daughter. Which yeah there were bad times with it all and stuff and was a lot all at the same time. So fast forward to November of this past year she had a complete hysterectomy to solve the continued issue she was having. Everything was grand till once again it wasn’t. BAM!!!!! Brick wall. Her incision didn’t heal properly and was causing her other issues. She has been going to a wound care facility here since so that they can tend to it and do what they need to do to insure it heals. Which to this day she is still going too as it still has not fully healed yet. Then I end up having a pretty horrible relapse start right in the middle of the holidays. My right side went numb, dizzy, vision issues. Still dealing with them. However I am driving again at least. Probably really shouldn’t be cause I still have a bit of an issue with my vision. But life don’t stop just for me. Kids have places to be after school. Wife is at work and can’t do it. So that leaves it up to me to suck it up and figure it out. Our oldest boy is off at college this year and is having a hard time with his living arrangements as the place he was living at they found out were not suppose to have students living at. Now can’t find anywhere to live for cheap enough. So now we have to figure out how to come up with the money for him for the extra he needs as his government funding isn’t enough now. Which means chances are we will have to get a bank loan for him. Which I am ok with just more stress that I don’t need is all. Now we circle back to our current issue that we have found out today. Like my life hasn’t just been one big shit show after another. Like really how much can one person take before they snap. Cause believe you me I am right on the wire. Anyway sorry for wasting your time if you read this thinking it might go somewhere. It really didn’t. Just my shit show out on display is all this is. Take care all. Thanks for your time if you read this. And sorry.