Last reply 4 months ago
3:00 am thoughts

I’m a graphic designer from Mexico I was diagnosed 4 years ago, I was only 28 I remember thinking to myself that there was no point on being sad. I needed to keep on moving and block the emotions that come with the diagnose.

My family cried. My girlfriend cried the hardest, it was our 2nd year living together as a couple and things were great, I didn’t even shed one tear, there was no point on doing so. In my head I put order to the thoughts rushing in and made arrangements for every possible scenario, because that’s the way I deal with tough problems in order to find a solution.

I told her I’d understand if she left me. She decided to stay with me. I think the hardest part is watching other people getting worried. I love her, and nothing breaks my heart more than to see her sad because of me.

Maybe that’s why I don’t want her to know that I’m just starting to realise everything. 3months ago I had some blood test and my doctor said the results weren’t great. It seems my liver is not getting along with the Interferon.

There’s not much the public healthcare can do about it. Here in Mexico the health institutions are just saturated because of old protocols, a bureaucratic system and overall lack of government support. It’s been almost 3 years since my last MRI because “they are full”.

But I don’t need a MRI to notice changes. The fatigue, the constant headaches, the pain. How the words escape from my mind and articulating sentences can be a challenge sometimes.

I’m so angry with myself. Is it normal?

I apologise for my bad writing. I think I need help, I don’t like to talk about how this is affecting me, I’ve always known that I need to solve my own problems by myself, it’s just that writing things make it easier for me.

Thanks.

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grandma
4 months ago

Hi @rodrigo_molina and welcome to our exclusive club that no-one really wants to be part of! Don’t apologise for anything, you are doing great that you will even try in English when it’s not your first language. You’ve found us, and here you can rant,moan,cry,celebrate, question, whatever you want. We don’t judge, you’re not thinking or saying anything we haven’t done ourselves. I’ve had the beast for 26 years, am 63, and intend to keep going. We know how lucky we are in the UK to have our famous NHS to help us, but we can help you in other ways. Ask anything you like, someone here will have an answer, and remember, you are not alone. There will be other msers in Mexico, so plot yourself on the ms map and see if there are other countrymen you can talk to but remember we’re always here🙏🏻🤞🥊😜


rocky
4 months ago

I think trying to get on with life is normal. I even think it’s healthy instead of “giving in” where you don’t have to. If she decided to stay give her credit. Her having an emotional response is also normal and healthy for our partners and family. It’s a lifelong road that isn’t going to always stay the same but who’s does? I am sorry you are struggling and that the disease may be progressing and I’m incredibly sorry that your country’s healthcare system isn’t up to the task. That’s so frustrating and infuriating. I hope you can find comfort here amongst people who can commiserate.


stumbler
4 months ago

Hi @rodrigo_molina and welcome.

A diagnosis of MS, whether expected or not, will kick off a rollercoaster of emotions. Whilst it may seem a good, strategic move to bottle this up, the emotions will need to be vented eventually.

You’re very considerate in wishing to protect your partner and family from your diagnosis. However, it is possible to manage your emotions in a private way, in your personal time. Just reassure your partner and family that you’re managing the situation.

And, you’ve started that management, by opening up to this Forum. That can be quite cathartic, following the “problem shared is a problem halved” philosophy.

Consider also a counselling service to unload in a non-judgemental way.

Liver problems are a potential risk with Betaferons. There are a range of other, more effective MS treatments available. Are these accessible to you in Mexico?


dramaqueen
4 months ago

Grieving for your loss is were i begun. Then reading spiritual healing books like louise hay. how to heal your life. Took up chi gung. sure ti chi gives the same benefit. I have never had disease modifying drugs as my MS was primary progressive. I’ve had this illness for 29 years i still have no DMT treatment. im 2ndry progressive now use a wheely walker but struggle on. You can do this but try to share your worries, as you’ve found this forum we can all be the support you may need.Dont think drugs are the answer frame of mind will help. good luck . Sandra.


vixen
4 months ago

Hello @rodrigo_molina. You certainly are a tough character. But as you have said yourself, you buried your emotions and for some reason, those have now surfaced. Being tough has gotten you through the first few years, but now you need some support as the reality of feeling unwell has surfaced. Your lovely girlfriend isn’t sad because of you, she’s sad because she loves you, and that’s different. We all have different ways of dealing with things. I think you’re quite hard on yourself. It’s great that you have an outlet through writing. And it’s great that you’re making these connections through Shift. Do you know of others around you with MS? Are you still able to work OK? I hope this setback is temporary. But take care of yourself, eat and sleep well, and accept any help available to you, don’t be be too proud, we all need to lean on others! 🙂


rodrigo_molina
4 months ago

Hi @vixen, @dramaqueen, @stumbler, @rocky, and @grandma thanks for your kind responses, it took me a while to log back in, I wasn’t sure if anyone had read or what I would find. But I really appreciate your support.

I don’t really know other people with MS, I see some familiar faces at the hospital when I go to pick up my betaferon It can take almost 4 or 5 hours to get it every month. But I rarely talk to them most of them just talk about how the desease have screw them over and over. It makes me very uncomfortable because I don’t know what to say, or how to confort them, and I really wish I know how.

I have some close friends that know why I go to the doctor every month and they are great. But I know sometimes I put them in the same spot, and I notice their face when they don’t know what to say to me, however it’s ok and I just change subject. Usually we fooling around, geeking out and have fun is all that takes to make me feel a lot better.

last week we joined for some grilled burgers far away from the city chaos, the sun was blazing and I’m very sensitive to the heat, I thought of cancelling but I decided not to the day was just too perfect. We had a lot of fun that day. I love cooking and I was preparing burgers and steaks next to the grill and it was hot I knew I was going to be dealing with a nasty headache and pain later (and I did) but it was totally worth it.

The little things and good friends helps me get out of my head and forget.

Thanks again for your words, It means a lot to me.

Ro

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