pottypete 07/07/12
Last reply 5 years ago
The joke section!

I was out clubbing last night, and saw a fat bloke chatting up a fat girl.

She turned him down though. I think she was worried he was just trying to get into her Snickers.

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pottypete
5 years ago

Yesterday, I told my wife: “You know you were walking in your sleep again, right?”

She looked at me, totally shocked and surprised.

Then I started laughing and told her I was just kidding.

I don’t think she appreciated that joke, by the angry way she was tapping on her wheelchair.


pottypete
5 years ago

I’ve just started managing a disabled tribute act to the pop group Steps.

They’re called Ramps.


pottypete
5 years ago

I switched off my wife’s life support machine last night and realised how strong a person I am.

You try unplugging something while four doctors try to wrestle you to the ground.


pottypete
5 years ago

My auntie Marge has been in hospital for six months…
I can’t believe she’s not better!


pottypete
5 years ago

If sex between three people is called a Threesome and sex between two people is called a Twosome…

Then why is Handsome still a compliment?


pottypete
5 years ago

You put the long hard shaft into your hot waiting mouth, you play with it round your tongue, in and out, in and out. You feel it building up inside. You go faster and faster, until the white creamy liquid fills your mouth, you spit it out and then its all over.

Colgate: Please take care of your teeth


loulou
5 years ago

WOOOHOO glad your back on form Pete!!!!


loulou
5 years ago

heres one that make I laff !!!

Mr Cadbury meets Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight

They both get off at Quality Street.

Just outside The Fishermans Friend pub.

He asked her name, “Polo, I’m the one with the hole” she said in a quiet Wispa.

“I’m marathon, the one with the nuts” he said.

Then he touched her Creme Eggs.

They booked into a Hotel, he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Milky Way.

He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

It was a Fab moment as she let out a scream of sheer Turkish Delight !

Sadley 3 days later his Sherbert Fountain started to drip.

It turns out Miss Rountree had been with Bertie Bassett who had Allsorts !


stumbler
5 years ago

He was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and announced “Fancy a shag Babe?”
He said, “After the football, love”
She said, “You do realise that you can record it?”
He said, “Nice, you get the camcorder, I’ll come upstairs as soon as the footy finishes”.


stumbler
5 years ago

She was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, “Honestly , do I look fat in this”.
He replied, “Yes love, but to be fair, it’s only a small bathroom…….”.


pottypete
5 years ago

A guy goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with my sex life.”

The doctor asks, “Can you describe the problem?”

“Well… I wake up in the morning and shag my wife, then I have a shower and a shave and I shag her again. I have my breakfast and shag her again on the table, then I get a blow job from her before I leave for work.”

“Okay…” the doctor replies.

“I haven’t finished yet. I get to work and shag my secretary in my coffee break. At lunch-time I go to see my mistress and shag her a couple of times. I get back to work and shag my secretary again in the afternoon tea-break.”

“Right…”

“Excuse me, I still haven’t finished. After work, I see my mistress again on the way home and shag her. Then I get home and shag the wife. I have my dinner and shag her again, then we go to bed and shag a couple of times before going to sleep.”

“Well, I don’t see what the problem is…”

The guy says, “It hurts when I wank.”


stumbler
5 years ago

His Wife asked him to go to the Doctors about his Erection problem.
She wasn’t pleased when he came back and gave her some Slimming Pills!


jenko1972
5 years ago

Bill says to John “I’ve got 200 fish in my bath”
John says “What do you do when you want to have a bath?”
“Blindfold them” says Bill.


IANG
5 years ago

THEY ARE MINT WELL DONE.X.


pottypete
5 years ago

I’ll be posting more fairly regularly. PLease be aware that there maybe some content that may offend. If this is the case, then you can f… …, sorry, you can stay away, lol. We need a laugh!


reddivine
5 years ago

there are some there that might be considered sexist! does pete know any that AREN’T about sex?


pottypete
5 years ago

Actually reddivine, if you check, most of mine are NOT about sex, you just have a very naughty mind, haha.


Becks
5 years ago

the only one i can come up with off the top of my head was….

a woman says to her husband I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU TALKING BEHIND MY BACK AND PUSHING ME AROUND I’VE HAD ENOUGH….her husband says to her…but what do you expect???? you’re in a wheelchair!!

sorry poor i know – will try and do better next time


pottypete
5 years ago

All jokes accepted, lol. It doesn’t matter how bad they are. It’s just to cheer us all up.


pottypete
5 years ago

The doctor said, “There’s no good way to tell you this.”

I said, “What if you get your tits out, that might soften the blow.”


pottypete
5 years ago

I was about to pull out of a parking space when I asked my wife, “Are there any cars approaching?”

“No,” she said, looking out of the passenger window.

As I manoeuvred onto the road she added, “Just a lorry.”


pottypete
5 years ago

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make my girlfriend look more appealling.


pottypete
5 years ago

“Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss.

“Just pop it in the corner,” he said.

It took me three hours.


pottypete
5 years ago

Watching Gordon Ramsey Behind Bars – he wants the prisoners to show they have the ability to give something back to society.

My TV and Playstation would be a nice f*****g start.


Gav
5 years ago

Roses are red,
bacon is too,
Poems are hard.

Bacon.


f3ng5hu1
5 years ago

Gav! EPIC!!!

^__^


f3ng5hu1
5 years ago

How does a Chelsea girl change a lightbulb?

“Daddy I want a new flat and I want it NOW!!!!”

(apologies if your from Chelsea, and severe apologies if you hale from West Ham, NO apologies if you follow England, I don’t have that many apologies sorry).

How does an England player change a light bulb?
Deflects it off the ceiling then calls the Chelsea girl!


stumbler
5 years ago

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, ‘What are you doing?’

She answers, ‘I’m moving to London, I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.’

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom
& sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, ‘I’m coming too.
I want to see how you live on £800 a year.”


f3ng5hu1
5 years ago

lmao that ones def a keeper!

Potty Petes were making me roll about too earlier.
You should do stand up, seriously, you and Pete could do a double act. The new Morecambe and Wise=)

^__^


f3ng5hu1
5 years ago

A wife comes from the kitchen and see’s her hubby doing something on his computer.

“What are you up to dear?” she says
“Just changing my security, what do think?”

She looks at the screen and reads aloud… “PENIS”

“Hmm” she shrugs, then looks at him consolingly “the password isn’t long enough”


pottypete
5 years ago

On a serious note, life is much better with a good laugh and a bit of humour. I wish only good things for all of us fellow sufferers. Sleep well and happy dreams to you all. Let laughter be a way forward. PMA is vital!


chueykooh
5 years ago

@pottypete , I couldn’t agree more, well said and the same to you. Your jokes make me laugh every day, @stumbler I love the one about the wife moving to London, classic, @f3ng5hu1 , your password isn’t long enough, Haha thanks guys and gals for posting to help us all get a laugh, god knows we can definitely use that in our lives.


pottypete
5 years ago

I yelled “Hey there, pretty thing!” to a girl I saw across the street.

She stormed up to me, and said “I’M NOT A THING!”

I looked her up and down, and said “Yeah, and from up close, you’re not all that pretty either.”


pottypete
5 years ago

I just bought a new underscore key for my laptop.

I got it for next to nothing.


lulu
5 years ago

Please keep these coming!! What a great way to cheer everyone up!!!


pottypete
5 years ago

I couldn’t believe it when my missus called me lazy today.

And this is coming from someone who has to sit down to have a piss.


pottypete
5 years ago

I was in the supermarket when I saw a young boy on his own crying his eyes out.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“It’s Mummy,” He replied, sobbing. “She doesn’t want me anymore so she left me here.”

“Aww, I find that hard to believe,” I said, “We’ll find her don’t worry. Now what’s your name?”

“Hubert.” He replied.

“Wow, she really does hate you doesn’t she.”


pottypete
5 years ago

I saw a Chinese Man playing Golf yesterday.

I said to him “Nice Tee Shot.”

And he replied “Thanks, but it’s a bit tight around the neck.”


gerryod
5 years ago

Paddy goes on a First Aid course, the instructor asks, “What would you do if your child swallowed the front door key?” Paddy said, “Climb through the window!!…ahahahaha


gerryod
5 years ago

I walked up to a bloke in the pub last night.

I said, “Is that your wife who has just nipped out for a fag?”

“It sure is!” he replied.

“Well, you’re a very lucky man,” I said.

“Gorgeous, isn’t she?” he smiled.

“No” I replied, “She’s just been hit by a bus??

Write a comment…
..


gerryod
5 years ago

The wife left me a note on the fridge saying, “It’s not working, I’m off to stay with my sister for a while.” I opened it, the light came on and the beer was freezing, God knows what she’s on about


gerryod
5 years ago

Whenever I’m in the supermarket and I see a woman picking up a cucumber, I give them a wee wink and a smile… just to see how many go red and put it back….ahahaha


gerryod
5 years ago

I was trying to put an Ikea shelf together the other day.

After about 3 hours, shelf still in bits, the wife came in, sneered at me and said, “Shall I get my Father round?”

I said, “Fuck off smartarse, when you give me a shit blow job I don’t ask you to get your fucking mother round do I?”


stumbler
5 years ago

A husband and wife are shopping at their local Sainsbury’s.
The husband picks up a case of Fosters beer and puts it in their trolley.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Fosters and it’s half the price.’

He never knew what hit him.


stumbler
5 years ago

Mrs. Green lived in two story house together with an elderly widow. After not hearing from her for a few days, she got a bit nervous.
“John”, she called to her son “do me a favor and go find out how old Mrs. Robinson is.”
So six year old John went down the stairs and knocked on Mrs. Robinson’s door.
“So how is she?” asked Mrs. Green when John came back up.
“How is she?” repeated John “I’ve never seen her so mad in my life, she said it’s none of your business how old she is.”


stumbler
5 years ago

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.


stumbler
5 years ago

A cure has been found for Dyslexia, it’s music to my arse.


stumbler
5 years ago

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.”

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Man riding a bike.”

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, “My bike!”


gerryod
5 years ago

3 men die on Christmas eve. To get into heaven St.Peter says “You must have something on you that represents Christmas.” The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says its a candle, St. Peter lets him pass. Welshman pulls out a set of keys and jingles them and says they are bells, St. Peter lets him pass. The Irish man pulls out his 10 incher from his pants and St. Peter says “How the feck does that represent Christmas!! Paddy says “It’s a fecking cracker isn’t it?…


gerryod
5 years ago

50 shades of shite chapter 2…

Tupac woke, he was excited today. Today was the day he got his tag off.. He was expecting his rent cheque and his double giro.. and had promised me a trip to Primark. He woke.. the sun bouncing off his baldy head!! His thug life tattoo looked somehow different…. but still spelled wrong…. He had been for a spray tan, so didn’t look quite so pasty. He looked at me, his eyes glazed, in a way that only a smack habit can.. He pulled my spice girls nighty up, bent me over the ironing board …. I screamed in ecstasy…. Thankfully he had left his sovereign ring on his middle finger. I savoured that tender moment as i knew we didnt have long before Britney, Kylie, Chantelle, Nicole Tupac Jnr Jayz and Beyonce woke up… The silence was soon broken by a shriek that took me out of my dream and back to reality… Mammy… Tupac Jnr shat in the bath!!! At that moment I knew I wanted more. Then Tupac Snr appeared at the top of the stairs… He looked so masculine in his Rockport boots and Kappa tracksuit. His silver thermos mug glinting in the early morning sun… It was then he uttered those lovely words, Am off down cash converters to see how much i can get for the weans mega drive……. I was now filled with excitement and a sense of mystery as to what gifts he would bring home… It made me feel so alive.
I couldnt wait for him to return and my hopes were not dashed when he reappeared later with a block of cheese, some mac 3 razors and 6 litres of white lightening…. At that moment…. I knew… the journey had only just begun….

.


pottypete
5 years ago

It seems that I have awoken a few little demons here, haha. Keep it up. Though you might want to control the swear words for the more gentle of mind here, lol. That doesn’t include me, haha.


stumbler
5 years ago

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.


pottypete
5 years ago

Marks and Spencers has announced they are in financial trouble. They have merged with Poundstretcher.

They will now be known as Stretch Marks.


pottypete
5 years ago

An English teacher said to her pupils, “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is cool, the other is gross.”

From the back of the class comes a voice calls out, “So, what are the words?”


pottypete
5 years ago

When my wife starts singing , I make her go out in the front garden.

So the neighbours don’t think I’m beating her.


pottypete
5 years ago

What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

The golfer goes THWACK! “Oh shit.”

The skydiver goes, “Oh shit,” THWACK.


pottypete
5 years ago

A man was walking down the street when suddenly he was hit by a car.

A policeman that attended the scene said to the injured man, “Did you get a look at the driver?”

“No,” said the man, “but I can tell you it was my wife.”

“How’s that?” asked the policeman.

And the man said, “I’d recognise her laugh anywhere.”


pottypete
5 years ago

I pulled this girl last night, when we got home she said:

“I’m a bit shy…I don’t want to strip totally, you can see half of me naked. Choose.”

“No worries” I said, “the front.”


pottypete
5 years ago

I was talking to a fat lass with huge tits last night.

“My eyes are up here…” I said, as she looked down at the kebab in my hand.


pottypete
5 years ago

The short-sighted English teacher calls out,

“You there at the back! Recite the poem I asked you all to learn!”

“I can’t do that.”

“May I ask what you were doing last night?” says the teacher.

“I drank a few pints with my mates, played some poker, did a few lines of coke and shagged my bird.”

“That’s unbelievable! I’m starting to wonder why you even bother coming to school.”

“I’m here to repair the heating.”

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