Last reply 9 months ago
Self blame

Hello all – I’m recently diagnosed and struggling with a lot self blame. I made bad choices career wise and ended up in a job I felt was wrong for me but felt stuck in for financial reasons. It has been stresssul and I feel that the stress of it triggered my ms. I’ve read some things online about ms being caused my underlying emotional problems. My husband tells me that’s crazy that I didn’t bring this on myself but I can’t stop thinking this. The self blame is causing even more stress then I freak out that I’m stressed because stress is supposed to be so bad for the disease. It’s a vicious cycle. Has anyone gone through this? I feel like I’m just the worse person to get this because I’m so naturally neurotic.

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stumbler
9 months ago

@well0258 , I can assure you that we’ve all gone through the “Why me?” stage. It is a natural emotional response as we come to terms with the diagnosis.

The post-diagnosis journey takes us through several identifiable emotional phases :-

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, reflection, loneliness
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and hope

It’s not a straightforward journey as we can double-back and revisit phases.

But, once you understand this and see where you are, you’ll start to feel better.

So, go easy on yourself and be patient.


well0258
9 months ago

Thank you that’s comforting. Have you come across all the information on how ms is caused by emotional problems. I find it very depressing and blaming.


grandma
9 months ago

@well0285 as Stumbler has said the ‘why me’ is normal. There are a lot of things that can trigger the onset, stress is one but the catchall phrase is ‘major trauma to the body’ this can be drinking, car crash, pregnancy, the list goes on and on. Don’t beat yourself up, it was probably going to happen anyway, after all you were born with it so don’t blame yourself you didn’t do anything. Take your time, slow down don’t stress too much it will only make things worse, take it from a veteran!😍


cameron
9 months ago

I’ve read that reasons for MS onset can be compared (in a wholly negative way!) to the’three ducks in a row’ result on a one-armed bandit machine. In other words, it’s likely to be the combination of various factors rather than any one thing on its own. Scientists have been unable to pinpoint a sole cause, despite many years of research looking at all angles. We know that there is genetic susceptibility and that the Epstein-Barr virus is a factor, but – as most people have this in their systems it’s unclear why some go on to develop MS. And if stress were the true, sole cause of MS, don’t you think that many more people world-wide would have it? You’re right though, that stress is super-bad for MS, so – regardless of the ‘why’, it is definitely a factor in how you are feeling at the moment and will be worsening your symptoms. As @stumbler has said, we’ve all been there! More than anything we can say, you need to trust your neurologist to get you on the right treatment which will control the MS. The sooner that happens, the sooner you’ll start getting your life back. You probably also need medical help to ‘get you thinking in the right way’ as my GP likes to say. That’s not you being weak or pessimistic- she told me that everyone diagnosed with a long term condition suffers a change in mental state. 15 years post-diagnosis, I live a pretty normal life with only minor adjustments, but one of these is definitely meds for depression. Let us know how you get on.x


vixen
9 months ago

Hello @well0258. I think that most people don’t realise how much processing will be required when a diagnosis is received. @stumbler has described this. It took me about a year really to get through the shock of diagnosis but I learnt a lot about myself, my relationships and I what I want out of life. After going through that, I began to think about changes I wanted to make based on factors that I CAN be in control of. For example, I have decided that although I can work OK, I’ve decided that I don’t want to work 5 days a week. So, me and my husband are looking at adjustments we can make to let that happen which, in our case would be to move to a smaller place to reduce the mortgage. Having MS is, yes, unfair and a great misfortune. But once we have accepted that there is no way we can change it, we can look at what we are able to change. A good thing to do to inject some positivity, is to allocate yourself say 30 minutes a week to research latest news and developments in medical research. This is probably akin to the seventh phase of the journey. Keep well @well2058, you are n good company here x


rambles
9 months ago

Hello @well0258. I was diagnosed last summer. I couldn’t say I have to terms with it yet but I would say some of the shock and denial has gone, and that, on the whole, I am bit calmer that I was. People on here are really kind and helpful in sharing their experience and giving helpful tips on coping with all aspects of the illness. Like @cameron says there must be a lot more to it than stress or everyone we know who gets stressed (most people, from time to time at the very least) would suffer. That said, I can see now I was extremely stressed due to work and major life events in the year leading up to the episode that led to my diagnosis, and that the years just prior to that were full of gradually escalating stress. I’m therefore doing my best to avoid stress as much as possible. Like @vixen I’m rethinking a lot of things as a result – including work. A lot of people find meditation helpful. Exercise is good too. All worth looking into when you’re ready. But it’s a process as others have said and it’s also important to rest and let yourself heal – go easy on yourself as @stumbler says.


rubyroo
9 months ago

I think stress is a major influencing factor in developing MS and many others conditions. We will learn more about this in years to come.
I had a very sad and stressful childhood and early adulthood, didn’t cope with it at all and have always been told by people that ” I’m highly strung” , lack confidence and that I’m a worrier. . I too self blame and think I should have coped better and asked for help. I now try my best to avoid stress as much as possible.


marcyg921
9 months ago

Pretty much every person who has developed any sort of illness or condition will ask them ‘Why me?’ but with MS its more complicated because no matter how far they’ve come with MS, they still don’t fully understand what causes it so unfortunetly we don’t have that answer yet. As @stumbler says you’re going through the stages of acceptance and trust me it can take a long time to get through them. I am more calmer than I was back in 2016 when I got the test results showing the Neurologists suspicions of MS but I still have days of depression where I just want to turn away from the world because I just felt no one understood what I was going through yet I still went to work and tried to act like everything was normal. It wasn’t until my family sat me down and told me they noticed the change in my behaviour and my colleague were worried about me aswell so I finally had to put my pride aside and I decided to cut my days down at work and yeah it wasn’t something I wanted to do because it made me feel weak but I realised it had to be done because now I haven’t had a bad day since November but there’s still things in my life that need to be changed but I’ll learn as I go.


well0258
9 months ago

I keep having those if only thoughts. Like if only I could turn back time and make different choices I wouldn’t have gotten ms. I wake up in the morning and my first thought is oh my god I have ms and I start crying. I hope this gets better.


stumbler
9 months ago

@well0258 , this will only get better when you realise that these things are all in your past and can’t changed. This is the reason that you should never regret anything you have done.

Just learn from it to make the future better. 😉


edmontonalberta
9 months ago

@well0258

We can’t change the past but we have some control over our future. If you keep up the negativity you may end up chasing your husband away – from what you wrote, you should probably do your best to keep him.

You are not the only one who has made bad choices. I ran away from home at 17; in jail at 23. Kicked out of University for the 2nd time at 28 without a penny to my name. Have left so many jobs it is ridiculous; I lost track but it was easily over fifty…

With my lifestyle I always expected to be dead before 30. When I was not then I finally had to plan for the future. Snagged myself an Saint of a woman who believed in me 100%. She got sick after we were married & died just before our 5th Anniversary. That destroyed me but I pieced my life back together – married another impressive woman five years later. We are still together after 19 years…

Recently was spine surgery just below my skull; followed by MS. believe it or not, I am happy & my life is good!

To make a long story short, Life is a journey & we all know the destination. Have fun along the way…


daybyday
9 months ago

As others have said, it can take time to adjust to diagnosis and the feelings that can come (and go) associated with things. I didn’t have a good career path either, so that makes me feel both insecure and motivated to build my career and skills as much as I can now to give myself a foundation should I need to make additional future changes/adjustments.

But now that we’re here, and MS is part of our reality, medical care is one side of things, but the other side is to treat yourself well, self-care and stress reduction.

It may sound trite to some, but I have a card on my refrigerator with a magnet. On the plain card, I wrote the words “forgive yourself”. It serves as a reminder that I see every single day that I need to go easy on myself. I put it up a few years ago when I was battling depression due to an unrelated matter. But for a long time, I felt guilty and ashamed over career and job things, of getting into an abusive relationship, of getting slightly lower grades during my final year at college because I was depressed.

All things, life things, that weren’t my fault, but it can be easy to feel or at least feel shame over. But that chapter is over, and you have to take care of yourself now and look in a forward direction.

Be good to yourself. It’s important. A reminder like my card or a sticky note I used to put on my computer that said “you are stronger than you know”. Kind words for yourself, have them always.


daybyday
9 months ago

As others have said, it can take time to adjust to diagnosis and the feelings that can come (and go) associated with things. I didn’t have a good career path either, so that makes me feel both insecure and motivated to build my career and skills as much as I can now to give myself a foundation should I need to make additional future changes/adjustments.

But now that we’re here, and MS is part of our reality, medical care is one side of things, but the other side is to treat yourself well, self-care and stress reduction.

It may sound trite to some, but I have a card on my refrigerator with a magnet. On the plain card, I wrote the words “forgive yourself”. It serves as a reminder that I see every single day that I need to go easy on myself. I put it up a few years ago when I was battling another round of depression. For a long time, I felt guilty and ashamed over career and job things, of getting into an abusive relationship, of getting slightly lower grades during my final year at college because I was severely depressed.

All things, life things, that weren’t my fault, but it can be easy to feel or at least feel shame over. But that chapter is over, and you have to take care of yourself now and look in a forward direction.

Be good to yourself now. It’s important. Kind words for yourself, have them always. I also tell myself that it’s going to be okay on a daily basis. Sometimes more than once. “Okay” might look different in some years, but be good to yourself and you’ll find your okay.

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