Last reply 3 years ago
Recently split

Hi everyone… Wondering if some light can be shed…. I have recently split up from what i thought was finally the love of my life. We knew each other from university many years ago and got back in touch. I do not suffer with MS. However he does, except that it was only recently that I found out through a friend of his. We had been dating almost a year and I had no idea. I can fully appreciate how hard it must of been for him to try and tell me, but I just felt so shocked. Its difficult to explain fully what happened, but now I am struggling. He never really gave me a lot of time to adjust to this new information and it really affected us. I felt very sad and in turn i’m sure that made him sad too. He let me down over a number of events and never really opened up to me, or was particularly honest. Would leave things till the last minute before telling me he wasn’t going to go through with our plans (a holiday, and my birthday) But now i’m here blaming myself and going over and over what went wrong. I myself am a nurse, so I probably know a bit more about things than some people and I don’t think that has helped. Nurse mode used to pitch up every now and then. Anyway.. thanks for reading 🙂

Add categories

Browse categories and add by clicking on them

You can remove current categories below by clicking the ‘x’.


northernlass
3 years ago

Hi @clairej85 That is such a sad story .. Just reading about your Ex not telling you about his MS makes me think he wasn’t ready for it to be an issue in your relationship and that you found out through his friend was maybe not how he wanted you to know about it, he had kept you in the dark for a while !!.. but don’t blame yourself it seems getting your head around a DX can take a long time and it is a shock for everyone involved. When was he diagnosed.? before your relationship began or during that year..? 🙁 . As for letting you down on occasions maybe he was full of intention to go but at the last minute couldn’t face it or had issues with his MS (Fatigue, trouble with the water works, mobility.. I myself have opted out of several events because of worrying about how I will be on the night.. see above problems). You say he is the love of your life.. but maybe use this opportunity to consider if this IS what you want from your love life.. if not then RUN.. but if he truly has your heart maybe you can just offer your friendship and support for now and see if things change in the future.. wishing you the best of luck


cameron
3 years ago

I really feel for both of you. Disclosure is a HUGE issue. I guess you knew that already but if you follow this site for any length of time you’ll see just how many MSers are caught in the tell-or-not dilemma. I’ve always chosen not to, except to those closest to me and – in the early days – to those who needed to know. This attitude has puzzled many of my friends (actually, it was so puzzling to some that it broke the friendship). When I step outside my situation and analyse what’s going on in my head, it’s something like this: once the words are said, they can never be taken back. As long as they’re not said, I am in control of what’s going on in the relationship between me and the other person. If I were on the other side of the fence, I know that I would see the MS as a characteristic of that person. It would in fact define them. I am middle aged – my life experience/understanding/impression of MS in others is overwhelmingly as a dreadful, paralysing illness. I associate it first and foremost with wheelchairs, care homes, dependency, hopelessness. I’m guessing that this picture is also in the heads of most people my age – probably not so much for the less judgmental, more enlightened younger generation. It was from that totally negative standpoint that my own battle with MS started. Convincing myself that through understanding of the condition and my personal effort to minimise its impact I would NOT let it define me. One of my success criteria is now to disclose to people I don’t know quite so well but who I think I would like to make into good friends. Through presenting (I hope!) positivity, energy and general normality, I’m willing them to say: Gosh, but you’re OK, aren’t you? … and for us to move on from there, with the MS having been put back in its box. I’m doing this more and more as my social circle widens, having ditched anyone I didn’t feel saw things from my angle. I’ve been doing this since diagnosis (eleven years ago) and it’s changed me, fundamentally. On the surface, I’m calm and controlled. Inside, I know that MS is a deadly enemy, which requires life changes and vigilance to keep in check. I am in fact at war!

Who knows what’s going on in your partner’s head, but be assured – there’ll be plenty! xxx


Anonymous
3 years ago

Thank you both for your replies. I also was able
To put the MS in a box as you say and know that despite whatever may of come our way, he is a wonderful person and we got on so well and enjoyed spending our time together. For me the problem was the honesty. Ok yes he was forced by his friend to tell me. From there he said everyone knew about his diagnosis and he is very open about it! This is why none of this adds up to me in my head! He family had no idea I didn’t know.. In the early days of a relationship I fully appreciate not wanting to disclose, however we were wanting a baby!!! I had
Come off my pill and everything! Still with no idea until just before Christmas.! Being a nurse I asked about what symptoms he was left with and he said very little… I can appreciate the worry about making plans but he was happily saying yes and we had time booked off work. Then two days before he announces he’s actually going to work instead! I’m sorry this is so disjointed.. I didn’t know what else to do apart from talk!


Anonymous
3 years ago

Forgot to mention diagnosed 4 years ago.. Before we got together xx


cameron
3 years ago

I’ve re-read your posts and yes, it does seem incredible. I know I was told that the dx would alter my mental state.. and it looks as though that’s what happened in your boyfriend’s case. It also sounds as though he himself is in denial, i.e. if you don’t talk about it, it’s not there. But that’s his problem that he has to come to terms with. If he really can’t, he’ll not be much use as a partner. MS dx is a life crisis all right, but there are others that might well come your collective way during the course of your life together. How would he deal with (e.g.) a bereavement, or a disabled child? Would he shut you out of that as well? I think @northernlass‘s suggestion is the right one: aim to keep a friendship and hope against hope that he gets his head together.


Anonymous
3 years ago

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts and respond. It has truly been driving me insane lately and I didn’t know what else to do. I guess all I can do now is just carry on and go from there.. 🙂


us-emma
3 years ago

I am a nurse as well and knew straight away what this diagnosis meant when I received it. I cried.

I was 29 and single and very self sufficient at the time. One of my first thoughts was “girl, right now is as good as you are ever going to be. Things will just deteriorate for here.”

I know that is an awful way to look at the future, but never being very motivated to get married quickly, suddenly this seemed like a smart thing to focus on.

I did start dating someone seriously about 5 months later. He was a dentist, his dad a physician and his sister a nurse practioner (as am I). What’s more his grandmother had MS. I knew he would know what my future would entail.

Still, I felt by our 3rd or 4th serious date that I must tell him, I felt compelled, that he had a right to know before we became too serious. So I told him and then gave him some space.

It all worked out and over 11 years later I have a loving a supportive life partner who has done things for me I never could believe I would need someone to do.

He is kind and caring and we are very open and honest.

To me your story is one of honesty, or lack there of. You cannot build a future without that. Seek someone who can give back to you all you give to them. This is s truly happy relationship and a life well shared 🙂


Anonymous
3 years ago

What a lovely story Emma..! despite everything love has prevailed! Yes, the lack of honesty here has been my biggest issue, and i still felt, and do feel there are still things I don’t know. The trust has been wrecked and in turn that has wrecked the relationship. I feel so sad about it.

Join Shift.ms to reply to this post.

Become part of the community so you can chat, compare and learn from other MSers.