4 years ago
More lols

Scientology believes that illness doesn’t really exist, that it’s all in the mind.

I was talking to a bloke at work who believes that kind of thing, and was telling him that my dad was ill.

“No, he’s not ill,” he said. “He’s only under the impression that he’s ill. Just tell him that.”

I bumped into him a week later. “How’s your dad?”

“He’s under the impression that he’s dead,” I replied.

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Doctors are warning holidaymakers not to sleep with prostitutes at airports. You might end up with a terminal illness.

A Blonde’s Dictionary Of Medical Terms: –

Artery: Study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria

Barium: What to do when treatment fails

Bowel: A letter A E I O or U

Cardiology: Advanced study of poker

Cat Scan: Searching for ones lost kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Coma: Punctuation mark

D & C: Where Washington is

Dilate: To live long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Genes: Blue denim slacks

Hormones: What a prostitute does when she doesn’t get paid

Inpatient: Tired of waiting

Medical Staff: A Doctor’s cane

Minor Operation: Coal digging

Morbid: A higher bid

Paralyze: Two far-fetched stories

Post-Operative: Letter carrier

Protein: In favor of young people

Rectum: What happened to the car’s

Saline: Where you go on your boyfriend’s boat

Secretion: Hiding something

Tablet: A small table

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport

Tibia: country in North Africa

Tumor: An extra pair

Urine: Opposite of You’re Out

Varicose: Nearby

When I woke up in bed this morning, the wife noticed a tear rolling down my cheek.
“What’s wrong, babes?” she enquired.
I replied, “I had a dream you died.”
She snuggled in and whispered, “Don’t you be silly, I’m right here…!”
“I know,” I replied. “That’s why I’m crying!”

Pete, you are not going to be in the good books of any blondes……… 😳

It was my mate’s funeral this week. He was always a practical joker, and fair play, he made us laugh right to the end. Silly sod had the coffin rigged somehow so that when it was being lowered into the ground, a tape of him saying, “Ha! Fooled you… I’m alive!” started playing. It was followed by things like, “Lads… Really. I’m not dead, let me out!”

We were all in stitches. Even the Vicar was pissing himself.

RIP Dave… Bloody legend.

I’d just like to thank all those people who have taken the time to put lovely bouquets of flowers by the side of the road.

It really brightens up my drive to work.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…

I really should have invested in one of those carbon monoxide detectors.

I explained to the doctor, “Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache.”

“It’s a migraine,” he explained.

“No, it’s not, it’s mine – and why the f**k have you started speaking Italian?”

My doctor was checking my testicles for any lumps the other day.

It got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my penis,” he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?’

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.

A girl visits her doctor and tells him she has terrible discharge.

‘Ok, take your knickers off and lets check it out’ he says.

She drops her knickers and he has a feel around. He says ‘how does that feel?’

She says ‘Ruddy wonderful but the discharge is from my ear’.

How could you be so cruel to us blondes, am hurt! lolz

Three men were drinking at a bar — a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, “For her birthday, I’m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn’t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.”
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn’t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”
As the biker was drinking his shots of whisky he said, “I’m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn’t like the T-shirt she can go f**k herself!”

Why have no women ever been sent to the moon?

It doesn’t need cleaning yet.

Ace!!

I found the off-switch on women. It’s in the back of their heads.

You have to use a bat to activate it.

wo builders go into the pub after a hard day’s work. They’re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
“I’ll bet he’s an accountant.” said the first builder.
“Looks more like a stockbroker to me.” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
“Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?” the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, “I’m a logical scientist.”
“A what?” asked the builder.
“Let me explain” the man continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, “Yes, I do as it happens.”
“Well then it’s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?”
“A pond” the builder replied.
“Well then it’s logical to assume that you have a large garden.” The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, “which means it’s logical to assume you have a large house.”
“I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself.” the builder said proudly.
“Given that you have such a large house, it’s logical to assume that you are married…”
The builder nodded again, “Yes, I’m married and we have three children.”
“Then it’s logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.”
“Five nights a week!” the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, “Therefore it’s logical to assume you don’t masturbate often.”
“Never!” the builder exclaimed.
“Well there you have it” the man explained, “That’s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I’ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!”
The builder left, very impressed by the man’s talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, “I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?”
“Yeah,” replied the first, “He’s a logical scientist.”
“A what?” the puzzled second builder asked.
“Let me explain” the first builder continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
“No” replied his mate.
“Well, you’re a wanker then!”

The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber: You stay in all day and nobody comes!

😀 Funny Pete!
But I’m not sure these jokes are endearing you to many of us girls!!
Although when I think about it…

Why are most dumb blond jokes and liners?.. So men can remember them.

🙂 Jas

I did laugh a lot at some of those jokes! Thanjs Pete.:-)

Thanks *

It’s only a bit of fun. Wicked though it may be. 😉

All great!!! I had a really good laugh, thanks a LOT!!!!!!

PD By the way I’m brunette nothing against the blondes

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