Last reply 4 days ago
Family and relationships

Evening all,

Without going into my whole life story ( it would take a while, and I don’t want to push you all over the edge..😂). But let’s say, my family was never functional, but guess, whose is?

That said, I lost my father a few years before diagnosis, and I have never been close to my mother. And only have one sibling.

My relationship with my siblings as adults has never been very healthy due to the dynamics I mentoned, growing up. And rather than bringing us closer, the lose of our father pushed us apart. I have virtually no contact with them.

I guess I’m at a point where I’m feeling frustrated with this. I don’t feel the relationship with either sibling or mum, due to multiple reasons, can be reconciled. Yet, it still leaves me angry, and I guess lonely.
I know it’s my choice, and may sound a contradiction.

I have a beautiful,caring partner, and she has been so strong for me during , well always. I also have been fortunate with some good friends, who in many ways always been like family. Yet even those relationships have been tested since diagnosis, I guess to me changing my lifestyle and perhaps changing due to the situation.

I am feeling pretty shitty, and I just sometimes miss my father and wish the dynamic of my family was different.

It helps to just let this out, and wonder if anyone else, has found they have lost relationships or had them strained since diagnosis.

The truth is, I’ve been overly thinking about this a lot recently. And I really don’t want reconciliation with my family, as sad as that may be to others.

Sorry for the downer message

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rachaellouise
1 week ago

@keepipthefight

Hey don’t feel it’s a down message it’s from the heart and get connected with others by being our real self . It’s good to speak our truth.
I want to say yes many relationships have been tested your not alone since diagnosis . It’s really hurtful but I think it’s best to know the truth even though it hurts so we can make way for lovely kind genuine people . If you believe their is good people you will find and attract them in the universe . Not everybody is bad and draining keep a open heart .

Also I have experience with dysfunction in my family and it can be so tough . It’s been a rough and tough childhood for me and it can be highlighted at any big things such as ms diagnosis – it hurts . I am sorry it hurts when you feel alone .
But We are still here so must be warriors !

Xxx


stumbler
1 week ago

Hi @keepupthefight and welcome.

You just can’t pick your family, can you? But it sure does put the fun into dysFUNctional!

Just don’t feel that you are on your own with your experiences. I’m sure you are far from exceptional in that respect. Missing a father figure itself isn’t unique, as I’m sure some of us feel that when they’re still alive!

I don’t believe that my MS has allowed me to be the Father that I want to be. But, when does life work out as we planned.

We are warriors and we are not alone.


vixen
1 week ago

Hello @keepupthefight. Sounds like there’s a lot going on for you, hey. The thing is, in spite of damaged and estranged relationships and dynamics, roots is roots, as they say. The thing about us MSers is that we have to necessarily go through so much mentally and emotionally in processing what is happening to us, that we kind of evolve into being able to take a different perspective on things. So, whilst you have a lovely secure relationship, you still feel wistful about relationships from the past. That’s also because you are a caring and warm person by the way! Also, diagnosis leads us to want to get things in order, so that might be affecting you too. I wonder if you might be able to have a meeting with a counsellor or family therapist? Maybe not to problem solve, but to help get your thoughts in order and subsequently help you decide if you need to act on anything or not. Just a thought! Sending love and support over your way x


nutshell88
1 week ago

sorry to know that you relationship with your family wasnt so great

my relationship with family is saudi style cant be compared

but I dated a scottish guy sounds wrong since im saudi but well it did happen I was daignosed 6 years before meeting him he accepted that
the reason why i chose him is that i wanted us to help eachother he had similar situation as u
parents are divorced since he was one or two
one of his sisters are from other father
other sis is a single mum
his family was harsh against him
i went there and got the ELA worked studied english
he took my money all the way and i kept feeling sorry for him like a tube
but then one morning i set the alarm at 6 am and flew off without a hint
i lasted with him around a year he kept ignoring his family but when i need him in something he was running away to them
he lost me to a careless family
he kept crying on facebook but im long gone

keep your partner safe thats all im saying


keepupthefight
5 days ago

@nutshell88 @vixen @stumbler @rachealouise

Thank you all for sharing your own personal experiences.

As stumbler puts it “we can’t choose our family”.

I think we have a right to choose what we should tolerate from anyone, be it family, friends or anyone in your life. We have to put ourselves first in that regard.

what frustrates me is that I would like the ability to have more interaction with my family. But the actual relationship and their behaviour is quite absuive(verbally) and so it’s not something I want to subject myself to.

And even though I know it’s best not to have communication with them, it doesn’t make it easier.

I thought I had come to terms with things and accepted things in the past. I guess not 100%, or it’s just a period of reflection.

Nutshell, you’re right. I need to protect those who I do have good relationships with. Especially my girlfriend. I am grateful for you to remind this.

This is why I am using this website and the good people here, who understand the added frustration thay having this condition bring.

Venting my frustrations in a healthy manner, to a bunch of non-judgemental; and not following the same type of actions I did for so many years in the past, which was very self descructive behaviour, such as drinking too much, and other reckless behaviour.

@vixen I’ve spoken to a therapist before and am open minded about it.

I think part of the issue has been, that I’ve while I’ve made it clear to family members that I’m not so keen to keep getting messages or requests to see them. When I’ve told them my feelings. They don’t seem to respect that and still insist on trying to persuade me to anyway. So recently I keep getting numerous messages from them.

So I’ve realised that it’s down to me to accept they will likely not change thier behaviour, be it because they are not able to, or because they are unwilling to.

And I either tolerate their requests but be honest and continue to say no, until if I feel otherwise.
Or I need to enforce full no contact.

whatever I decide, I’m no longer in the same mood where it was really aggravating me, and so I thank you all, for helping me process things out loud.

You can put the therapy invoices in the post


mermaidia11
5 days ago

@keepupthefight..

Erm, they keep reaching out to u, and have never given up on you; is another way of looking at it?

Everyone’s family is dysfunctional indeed.

You are trying to protect yourself from being hurt, but yet you don’t know how to trust yourself to do that

If you trust yourself, you can dispense with worrying about trusting anyone else

If you set boundaries, then everyone knows where they are

A list of pros, cons and the behaviour you are not prepared to accept, may help you in making a decision.

Family knows you like no one else. And only they know the loss of your dad, they lost him too.

And what would your Dad advise you to do ? Exactly.

Life really is very short mate. Maybe you could restart, one last time, the family relationships that were arrested when your dad died

(yup, my dad died when he was in his 30s and I was a nipper, so know exactly where you are coming from on the – sibling was a cold, cruel, psycho ..) but people mature and change.
MS puts things in perspective for them too.

You may be pleasantly surprised if you at least hear them out.

It takes two to make a relationship, and two to break it. Have you examined your own behaviour in all of this?

Something in your gut made you post. If you were done; properly done, you wouldn’t have posted.

If in doubt, do nothing until you trust yourself !

Mate, you are havin the worst time Eva! So give yourself a break! A diagnosis of MS throws everythin in your life up in the air…It confuses and makes clear everythin!

And there are no simple answers to complex problems, but time.

Time is the revealer and healer.

And one final thought, before I start doodling peace signs an hearts …lol….

Love is all you need and sending all mine to all you lovely people
🧜‍♀️☮️💖🌈✨


rachaellouise
4 days ago

@keepupthefight

Just throwing something else into the mix .. families can be difficult , people can be difficult but throw in personality disorders like narcissism (npd) and it’s totally different approach to just difficult people . They can’t change ever !

I think you need to take control of this.
I think being honest is good, setting boundaries for yourself and being firm is important
If you want a break and some headspace perhaps say it and then say you will be in touch “when you are ready .” Do you think they would be okay with that ? They should respect that but some people ( personality problems can have a problem with it)

X


scottevans
4 days ago

Hi you have took the words out of my mouth i feel exactly the same i try to distance myself but always get drawn in, im sure i am not on my own and hundreds of other suffer in slince i sometimes get the feeling that im just the miserable mr happy in the corner. All i can advice is be selfish find yourself some space or do somthing differential to change your thinking when the mind works overtime.
To stop the overthinking try the distration it works.
Good luck


grandma
4 days ago

You can’t chose your family, but you can choose your friends. I got breast cancer 8 years ago, the immediate family had dealt with the ms (basically ignoring it and being surprised when I had a bad few days) for 14 years at the time, the daughter (now 39) saw m e through the mastectomy and the chemo and then manufactured an excuse to drop me likes stove taking my only grandchild ( who I used to see 3times a week, taught to read, taught to swim, cooked with, babysat very regularly etc) The husband of43 years followed 6 years later. (They stopped his carers allowance as mr government does when the carer becomes 65 irrespective of how ill it how old the person they care for is) so I’m now on my own. Very down and depressed for 2 years, then the other half went 4 years after. I celebrated, helped him find his new flat,he thought I was by-polar because I wasn’t bothered,in fact he had cared for me for 20 years, the last ten out of duty, not love. The long and short of this long story is you make your own choices, I have a few very good friends 2 wonderful tennants (.I had to let out rooms to make ends meet when he buggered off taking his company pension with him) my life is good, apart from mr government taking away my mobility car after 19 years and having to go to a tribunal to get yet back, I’m really looking forward to Christmas this year after 2 years on my own, and gave decided to make the most if what I gave fit and what I can do and not bemoan the things I can’t change. Try doing the same, you natter and to hell with the rest if the world.😍

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