Last reply 5 years ago
Dating

I haven’t been on a proper date in a while and I was thinking about joining a dating site. Shouldn’t let my ms stop me meeting new people and having fun. Have any of you guys done this? Are there people out there that want to go out with someone with ms? I hope so.

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reddivine
5 years ago

First off, have you been watching the Undateables? They did mention a few agencys that are “specialist”, if you like.
Me and jman met online, on another site and found shared interest and 2 years plus on…..so yeah it DOES work.
Nothing beats meeting actual people tho, so if you are mobile, think about joining various groups….i dunno, local classes, local pubs, clubs. Depends wot yr into.
Try meetup.com……..lots of interest groups happening round the globes. Stick in yr postcode & interests & you find wots going on. I’ve been to a few. Good way to meet folks.


pulpculture
5 years ago

Most dating websites contain spoof / made up people with photo’s gleaned from the net. If you do go for a dating website go for one of the big named ones (usually advertising on tv etc.) Other ideas are local clubs (chess, photography, etc) or if you are a person of faith many churches can be great places to meet people.


justjones
5 years ago

I don’t entirely agree with @pulpculture, I think you should join up to a few different sites!!! Get yourself out there…. I went for the free sites… as I was real skint!

I went on a few dates off the back of profiles on dating sites. Put up some profiles, put thought into selling yourself and working to your strengths… put the profiles up and see who messages you! I had some good times, ate good food and hung out with some lovely people… and I generally had a good experience of online dating. It really helped me think about what i wanted and needed from dates and girls generally.

No permanent relationships were formed off the back of online dating and I’m very pleased to say I met my lovely lady through natural circles of friends. If that hadn’t happened, I’d definitely have carried on with the online dating.

This is the 21st century, many people lead an active online existence… so why not meet people that way? finding someone with shared interests is easier.

In terms of online safety, be as safe as you would be otherwise. apart from always letting someone know where i was etc… I wouldn’t meet someone until they’ve “befriended” me elsewhere… thus getting a feel for their actual existence… and of course gives you a chance to have a snoop at their photo’s!

I advise having a look at okcupid it’s a free site it doesn’t have so many members as other sites maybe… but the way of matching and writing the profile was fun.

Joining a club or group or getting involved in something new is generally good advice for developing a community presence and widening your circles… which immediately ups your odds of meeting someone, as you are meeting new people!

However i don’t suggest going along to any group or activity ith the secret agenda of getting a girlfriend… (unless it’s singles group of course… This is something i’ve done in the past.. and it never worked for me. Others in the group/activity are often only there for their interest in said group/activity, and it can lead to feelings developing that can be unrequited or maybe develop complex relationships…. or in my case I’m sure that the girls could smell the desperation on me! (occasionally they can work though.. and of course i’m broadly generalising, but you get what i mean right?

I prefer the “honesty” of online dating… You’re all there to meet someone spesh too… So go out there and sell yourself… you have nothing to lose!


ophelia
5 years ago

I met my other half on smooch.com, this was before my MS diagnosis, however I did get diagnosed 3 months after meeting, but over a year down the line and he moved half way up the country to move in with me :0) sure you’ll find someone!!! Good Luck in your search!


jonnydrama
5 years ago

Just do what I did, use your brothers house to spend time and get together with your sister in laws mate. Worked for me! πŸ™‚

Sometimes it happens where you’d least expect. I’d been on dating sites and no joy, but then I wasn’t very confident or well styled so looked like a loser.


dave-c
5 years ago

Thanks guys.
The dating site thing was just an idea, but I do like the idea of clubs to meet new people. Anything that will get me out of the house and back to my old social self (becoming a bit of a hermit lately. Think spending too much time on my own is not a good thing. Im still same person my legs just dont work anymore,so it’s time to get off facebook and actually leave the house and talk to real people πŸ™‚


lorag
5 years ago

i just resently met a great guy online couple of months ago and he is sooo supportive of my condition it really amazes me. so far dating sites work for me and i have been on a few over the years and have met some great new friends and have had some funny experinces.


justjones
5 years ago

Hey Dave…

You love your music right? I bet there’s some kind of community/free festival near you… there’s one in every town these days. these things run entirely on volunteers and i’m sure that if you approached them they’d love to have you on board.

You’ll meet people, you’ll do something cool for your community and you’ll be involved in something cool.

The year after my dx I cut my working down to bare minimum whilst i got my head around what these changes might mean.

I got heavily involved in the local free festival…. we put on am amazing party that was attended by 15,000 people.

I met a load of great people, my confidence grew and I made some lasting friendships.


pulpculture
5 years ago

Yeah – some good ideas here. Volunteering is great. A local charity shop – everything from sorting items behind the scene to serving behind the counter. Local libary as a volunteer. Local police station behind the desk etc. All have potential to meet people along the way.


jman
5 years ago

Meetup is a great way to meet people, and at least have fun..

Plenty of Fish is free, and do socials (a bit tacky but if your short of cash)

OK cupid is slightly better, and doesn’t DEMAND your time as much as some sites.

I met my first gf via ‘LookItsME’ when it was free.. it aint now!
Most of the sites want Money.. Soulmates is supposed to be a better site, compared to some.

Match.com requires a LOT of effort to log in all the time. AND your money! In this I disagree about the advertised ones..

For meeting I’d recommend somewhere like Weatherspoons.. Neutral, they’re all accessible and don’t play music.. (sorta good if you actually want to converse) Or the classic cinema etc.

On ALL the sites you get fake profiles, girls that want your money, have a granny in nigeria etc etc.

I chatted to @reddivine for a year before we met, and by that time I was pretty sure neither of us were loony raving axe murders πŸ˜€

I’ve met previous partners through Outsiders.org.uk and made some great friends there as well.
They also provide a publication which has some useful insights into dating with a condition:

http://www.outsiders.org.uk/practical-suggestions/


jojo75
5 years ago

Hi hope I’m not sticking my nose in. My ms nurse organised a getting to grips course. She invited people who had been diagnosed in the last year or so. We had lots of speakers which was useful. Anyway my point is we were all in the same situation and try to meet in a pub to be sociable and supportive. Might be worth seeing if something similar happens near you. Jo.


dave-c
5 years ago

Hey.
Thanks for all the support and ideas, guys.
x


pommykev
5 years ago

Try Thailand.
Really easy to get many girlfriends there.
You never loose her.
Just don’t mind having to share her πŸ˜‰


dtotheevi
5 years ago

This is something I was really worried about when I was first diagnosed, so I get it. It can be difficult to deal with the uncertainty of our illness, and telling a prospective ‘other half’ about it can be tricky.

I think it has a lot to do with how you see yourself changed (if at all) by your MS. You’re still you, just with an extra quirk, if you like. This is how I see it, and it’s helpful for me, maybe it might work for you, I’m not sure.

I was seeing someone recently, and, after starting medication, I thought it best to tell him. After all, I didn’t want to have to explain why I had a bright yellow sharps bin under my desk whenever he came over. I made it clear that I was fine with my illness, and dealing with it well. I think if you can convey that you’re content, or atleast accepting of the illness, the other person will be too. Besides, if they have an issue with it, it’ their loss!


dave-c
5 years ago

Hi.
Thanks for the advice πŸ™‚
I do see myself much the same person as I was before the illness just not as confident. Hopefully getting out there and meeting new people will help with that.


jojo75
5 years ago

Dave your last comment was so right. Go find yourself a lovely young lady. Xx


dave-c
5 years ago

Thanks, I will :). Will be nice for something nice and positive to happen. Hasn’t been much to smile about last couple of years.


dave-c
5 years ago

Thanks, I will :). Will be nice for something nice and positive to happen. Hasn’t been much to smile about last couple of years.


oskar
5 years ago

I had been on some dating websites (with no luck :() and after I was diagnosed, I thought, “well that’s that, then”, saying to a colleague, “the only woman I’ll find now, is one with a pathological need to care”.
I’m no further forward, but I do feel a lot more confident in my ‘disability’.
My worry is, that if you let a stranger know via email that you have MS, they might be very ignorant of MS and have all sorts of pre-conceived ideas. After all, MS is as varied as the people with it.
It would feel like it was necessary to describe oneself in greater detail than someone not with MS.
I like the sound of some of the tips given above, though.


cazzzzzy
5 years ago

Dave C … We should both go on the next series of “undateables” and show the world we can still love and be loved πŸ˜€ …

But yeah I am becoming so hermit like, just to meet new people would be so cool right now…

Best wishes xxx


dave-c
5 years ago

Oskar I see where you are coming from. Dating sites may not work for me, but there is no harm in trying. If I do meet or talk to someone that is ignorant about the disease and uses that as a reason to not go out with me, then im better off without them I’d say.


dave-c
5 years ago

cazzzzzy I hate to admit it, but I love that show. hehe. I am becoming slightly hermit like myself. I used to never be at home now I never seem to leave.Sucks!But hopefully that will change soon.
Best wishes to you too xxx


cazzzzzy
5 years ago

πŸ˜€ ….. I absolutely love the undateables too & it’s so so cool how they made a follow up too… bring on the next series!!!

I’m not finding the hermit like days great.. It can really suck being stuck in… I’m even kinda looking forward to docs appointments now just to get a change of scenery…

But in the mean time let’s hope they hurry up with a new undateables series πŸ˜€ xxx


dave-c
5 years ago

Yeah I enjoyed the follow up shows too. πŸ™‚
I know how you feel, I looked forward to my mothly hospital visit last week. Bad times. Although, I have been out a couple of times this week, which is good.
Getting out does wonders to your mood (you can go slightly crazy just staring at the same 4 walls all the time), hope you can get out more soon.
xxx


pulpculture
5 years ago

I know if I got to the stage where I was feeling lonely I would be looking to get involved with any volunteering I could. I would be asking my local library if I could help out as a volunteer. I would be contacting numerous charities in the area to see if I could be of assistance in any way. Assistance could be helping planning events to absolutely anything. I help charities for the homeless and foodbanks round here. Maybe you could start off by being their person who is involved with the “online” / internet stuff (simply updating website content etc) this is a beginning and you can then end up getting involved with the meetings etc. Any involvement with anything like this gets you meeting people and is important. There are charities that are desperate for help right now. Not just physical help – all sorts. Citizens advice can help point you in the right direction. There are other volunteering websites as well to put people in touch. Even if you just start off making cups of tea for a Salvation Army cake sale, or just taking the money – it all helps them and you. Getting trapped inside a house is the worst thing and loneliness can be bad for anyone’s health.


cazzzzzy
5 years ago

Dave ~ I feel I truly know the deepest meaning of going stir crazy & climbing walls now & I have a German neighbour who keeps telling me the ceiling will squash me soon if I’m not careful… Tomorrow at least I have an eye appt to look forward to & as much as I love snow I am looking forward to sunnier, warmer days so I can sit in the garden and talk to people…

I think it would be a good idea to make sure we leave the house at least once a day – even if it’s just a walk for one minute at least it’s something! πŸ™‚ xxx

Pulp, you are right, it is so important to do something!… Not easy for me right now to guarantee being able to go anywhere but I will look into what I can do from home… The boredom is just not so fun… I do thank god for the internet though!!!

xxx


jman
5 years ago

Long post..

When I was younger (around university age) I had a bit of a phase where I told myself, I want to date a normal person, not another person with any problems (I have chronic renal failure, not MS, but tis bad enough! ) I did meet a girl online while at uni and she had diabeties.. and I was OK with that,.. nothing major, and at the time it was casual, but I still wanted to ‘pull ‘ the girls at uni, And of course I was the ill kid etc, and I was, most of the time, making use of extended times for study, feeling crap and occasionally sleeping in past lectures due to intense fatigue and anemia! And the fit confident guys got the girls.. Bah! lol Or possibly the chatty tall friendly drunk! I dunno!

Get a cup of tea, this is a long post!

Not sure what my mentality was, then maybe.. “I don’t want to have someone else with problems, or maybe I was wanting, someone to look after me.”. Your mind does change I think.. I think you can be a bit selfish with a condition like this? Maybe not..

Then I got REALLY ill, meningitis attacked my organs and nearly killed me, and I lost my memory, including that of my girlfriend at the time.. The relationship ended, as there was no spark.

For a while after that, I thought, I do NOT want anyone to go through that, so I was single… for a while, but still on a few forums, blogs and on dating sites but nothing came to fruition and my confidence was pretty low..

What I DID do was make a couple of rules for myself.. Get out of the house EVERYDAY..

Do something fun at LEAST once a week.. These sort of helped me through rehab..
I was trying to meet people locally, and then discovered that someone on a blogging site was nearby.. So we met for coffee a few times, and had shared interests and went to the odd event where I found out about Outsiders..

I thought at the time, well what have I got to loose, they seem more openminded as a group than any support organisations I’d been involved in which were specific to my condition.. That can get a bit boring.. However wonderful the friends and people are you DO end up talking about the same meds, your condition etc etc.. Its necessary, can be great support, but also can be monotonous!

I can only describe a group that dealt with other disabilities, REFRESHING… People that understood, but had different things, were generally more openminded about relationships and sex
I joined in about 2007. And you may note, a complete change of my, ‘I don’t want to date another sick person’ attitude.

I’ve met some great people, had a couple of intimate relationships that ended mostly on good terms and were experience.. That helped me to improve my skills if you like of making things work in relationships and boosted my confidence a fair bit:)

Dating sites can work, so can support group.. Who’s to say we aint chatting each other up in the PM’s hehe.. But Outsiders helped me get confidence to open up a bit and move forward.:)

Outsiders is primarily a social group, but they run a members list which allows people to communicate, and workshops are run on dating skills to share experiences and help members.

http://www.outsiders.org.uk/

Much love and fun to all.

J


cazzzzzy
5 years ago

That was a good post to read J! … Sounds like you’re really wised up on the relationship conundrums! – I will know where to come if I ever need advice! :)…

I haven’t really allowed myself to think too much about this tbh as I just see myself as a massive burden at the moment and am still trying to accept the diagnosis as it’s still early days for me so not sure what or how or any which way to think much about much right now!….

I do know though that if somethings meant to be then nothing would come between it!

& lol undateables was repeated last night on more4!!!! Made me smile πŸ˜€ xxx


stumbler
5 years ago

@cazzzzzy, your diagnosis is still fresh in your mind, so you need to be kind to yourself and be patient while you understand the fullness of the diagnosis.
It can take up to a year to fully accept your MS and during this time, you’ll probably go through various emotional stages. This emotional journey will have the following phases:-
1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, reflection, loneliness
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and hope
It isn’t a straight journey one to eight, you might revisit phases.
Hopefully, you can see where you are at present.
I hope you find this useful.


cazzzzzy
5 years ago

Stumbler… Thanks so so much for your message!!!!…. My journey so far has had quite a mixture of all the above (but not the more positive stages yet…) … I feel I’m going backwards and forwards but backwards again right now and the shock is still very raw… Even though I’ve been ill and had some mobility issues for years now and suspected MS was the root cause I have been through a lot of what you mention already but the shock and realness of an MS diagnosis has made me feel I’ve gotta go through the whole process again …. At first I felt all hope was lost as it is MS but I will try and stay positive and do what I can (which is only to change my diet right now) ….

The realness really can bite me a few hundred times during the day but I need to remember that this journey is just beginning and it could be worse etc…. I am really trying to appreciate and focus more on what I can do rather than what I can’t……. I’m hoping that time will carry me kindly to the latter stages you mention!…..

Thanks Stumbler, that has been really helpful, i feel bad though as this is Dave c’s post (sorry Dave c)…

Thank you :)xxx


dave-c
5 years ago

No need to feel bad cazzzzzy. haha. We are all here to support each other. Anyone can write and receive as much advice as they want on my posts πŸ™‚


cazzzzzy
5 years ago

Thanks guys! (Stumbler thank you too! You replied again too but can’t see your message here!? ~ Thanks so much! This place really is great πŸ™‚ xxx


jman
5 years ago

@cazzzzzy wised up a little.. still making the odd blooper here and there, tis the learning curve of life I guess πŸ™‚

J

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