I’m feeling totally crappy at the moment. Not just that i have bad cold, the problem is the emotional side. Just have to speak about it. A the moment I don’t have anyone who can listen and understand what I am saying.
I always thought I was healthy. Just a little bit overweight, but i did sports regularly. But there where some disturbing little things that bugged me. Nothing big, weird feelings in the stomach, some tingling, concentration problems etc. I always thought its from a poor diet and too much stress. This year I decided to do something about this stuff.
The result was that my gall bladder was removed, and I was diagnosed with asthma, gilberts syndrome, diaphragmatic hernia and ms all at once.
Doctors diagnosed RRMS, but I still think of some progressive form, just because I never had a relapse or remission and every symptom I have came slow and over time. I think they haven’t decided for progressive because they still wait to see a year of progression without relapses.
When I was diagnosed in April, I had mostly sensual and cognitive problems (Tingling, lhermitte, brain fog etc) and I was quite optimistic. I started to adjust to the new situation. Making financial plans, I was looking for a new flat (actually i live on the 4th floor without elevator and the stairs are not getting easier)and things like this.
But in the six months since diagnosis things seem to get worse too fast. since September I have spasticity in my legs, an a few weeks ago my arms started twitching and moving around also. All limbs grow heavier each week. My concentration is completely wrecked up, so I have to fear about my job as software developer. When cognitive problems get worse, I won’t be able to do this job much longer.
I mean… seriously… so many diagnoses in such a short time. MS seems to get worse so fast. Most other MSers I talk to report from problems whith their legs or their hands. I have problems everywhere.. legs, arms, head, cognition, tingling on the whole body, fatigue. Even the uncommon symptoms like constant ringing in the head and other stuff. It’s just changing too fast to adjust to it.
At the moment it’s virtually impossible for me to stay positive. I just can’t get rid of the thought of losing control over legs and arms and head and being completely helpless in the course of a few years.
In addition, after being in relationships since I was 17 and even being married for years, I managed to get all this crappy stuff after the divorce. So I have to face this completely alone which scares me even more. At the moment I just don’t know what to make out of this.
Thank you for listening. I just had to get it out 🙁
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