@mschronic 

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mschronic

Dear MS

Dear Multiple Sclerosis, I am angry at you. We've been riding the wave easily for about five years and although it hasn't been easy it's been ok. But then BAM! This year you've decided to hit me hard and unexpectedly. Three, THREE MRI's relapse after relapse. Urinating my pants and having to run to barely avoid soiling my pants because I cannot control my bladder and bowel movements. I've had trouble driving because I'm seeing double and now I have to change to a super expensive medication on top of my epilepsy and psychiatric meds. I tell people that it's fine and I smile but the thing is I'm not. I can't have babies because the combination of all my meds could be toxic to my foetus. It's painful watching my friends getting pregnant and having babies, wondering whether my babies would look like me. I know I could adopt but I don't want a child to look after their mother when she can't take care of herself. You are a sly thief and if you were real I'd probably kick your ass on behalf of the many lives that you've hurt. However, I cant can I? No. I'm just going to keep smiling until I believe it. If I don't believe it I'm going to do what I love...writing and maybe things will be better. After all it's just a bad day after having to wear adult nappies last night (at 33 years old ...Jesus). Just a bad day.
@CillaW

Hi mschronic I have sent you a reply but have probably put it in the wrong place so you probably won't get it, so much of what I do seems to disappear into the ether,but then I am old and a bit of a Luddite as far as technology is concerned. Your anger at this bloody disease is totally understandable, in your shoes I would be more than angry. I think you are amazing by smiling and saying to people that you are OK just so that they can feel OK. You must feel like screaming I AM NOT OK, I AM ANGRY. This disease is stealing my life, it is swallowing the things I thought I could have, like a family, like not wearing nappies, like being independent, HOW DO YOU THINK I AM. If only people would take a few minutes to imagine it would be like to walk in your shoes for just one hour then they wouldn't ask dumb questions like are you OK? You are amazingly courageous. The unpredictability of this disease is the most difficult thing to cope with, if there was a predictable progression then at least there would be a defined protocol of medication and all the specialists would sing from the same hymn sheet and sufferers would be able to plan and gradually come to terms with what will happen and when, good luck and continue to rant and fight. cillaW

@mschronic

Thanks... @cillaw like I said I'm just angry today. Sitting at work and feeling angry.