@bboop635

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bboop635

Struggling with lack of sex life

My husband was diagnosed with MS 2 years ago when he was 28. Initially he was basically a quadriplegic, but over time he regained almost everything but he really struggles with fatigue, panic attacks, mood swings, depression, impotency, and tingling in his hands and feet. I work from home so when he's having bad days I'm able to take care of him. I feel bad thinking about my needs. I devote as much of myself as I can to my husband, but I'm really struggling too. Sometimes if I bring up how hard it is for he makes me feel bad about it so I try not to talk to him about it. I just turned 31 and we have sex a few times a year at this point. And when we do, he doesn't have the energy to be a dominant partner which is always what I've preferred. I waited to have sex until I was really in love and found the person that I wanted to marry, thinking that I had plenty of time. I now find myself regretting that decision and wishing I had more experiences prior to at least think about. I have a very high libido and I'm going stir crazy. I don't want to leave my husband, I quickly brought up the idea of adding a partner to our relationship or having an open relationship, but he got very upset. I don't want to cheat on my husband either and if I was older maybe I'd be a little more ok with all of this. But I thought my sex life was just beginning, not realizing it's basically over. On top of that I really want a family, but I don't see how that could happen naturally. I feel like there's no good decision here. Stay with the man I truly think is my soul mate but not be fulfilled sexually at all or leave and break his and my heart.

Stumbler

@Stumbler

Hi @bboop635 and welcome. I'm a guy with MS so can give some insight into the male psyche. The effects of MS can severely dent our "masculinity". Our role is the hunter/gatherer, a role which can be difficult to fulfil with the ravages of MS. We should be able to look after our home-maker partner, being the alpha male. With the sexual dysfunction that can be associated with MS, depression is always hovering over us. He needs to go and see your family doctor. Having MS means that we may need some help to alleviate our low mood. It's not a sign of weakness to need some help in the form of anti-depressants. Medication for Erectile Dysfunction is available, but we have to ask. I can really understand your predicament. Your love for your husband comes across very strongly. And, it's good of you to join us on behalf of your husband. Involving a third party into your relationship is a recipe for disaster. Try and get him to open up to your Doctor. :wink:

Stumbler

@Stumbler

And then have a heart-to-heart talk so that you can share both your needs,

potter

@potter

Maybe a sex therapist could help, if he won't go maybe you could start by yourself. Potter

bboop635

@bboop635

Thanks so much for your responses. He has talked to his doctor about it. He was using viagra for a while which worked pretty well, but then our insurance switched to only covering cialis which hasn't ever worked as well. And really getting an erection is just part of the problem, we just don't know how to be together anymore because the things we used to do just don't work. A sex therapist is a good idea and something that I'm open to but he gets very shy talking about sex so I'm not sure that he'd be willing to. He definitely feels emasculated sometimes which I completely understand. I do get tired though of him pushing all of his negative feelings about himself onto me.

Stumbler

@Stumbler

@bboop635 , it does sound like he really needs something to enhance his mood and deal with the negativity. Your Doctor should be able to prescribe something to give him a lift. He probably needs this as he could be still be struggling with acceptance of this diagnosis. Yes, MS is a terrible condition to acquire, but there are worse things that can happen to anyone. Life can be very unkind sometimes. It's a case of getting everything into perspective. I can understand your need for physical love. But, you probably need to go back to your "courting behaviour", to allow you both to reaffirm your feelings. Put sex on the back-burner for the moment and just enjoy being there for each other. Hugging is a great way to do this. Are you able to challenge the Viagra decision, if the Ciallis is not working? Viagra is now out of patent and is available in generic form, so cost shouldn't be an issue for the insurance.

Shtanto

@Shtanto

I almost believed I was gray-a and not cos male at one point. Nope, that's just the depression. Ask for a prescription of sildenafil citrate. Sildenafil is generic Viagra and should be affordable. It should have identical effects as well. As for the depression, try a combination of mindfulness and saffron tea. It's easy to make. Just remember to let it presoak and use honey as a sweetner. 4 or 5 stems per cup, soak in warm water (enough to cover) for 20 minutes then top up with hot water and add honey. It takes up to 6 weeks before you'll notice anything. Also, have you tried LDN? I'm a fan

Redman

@Redman

For us men it can be a rotten far of MS - the dreaded bedroom failure but get the mind sorted and an appointment with a urologist and things will move (hopefully) - terrible situation in a marriage but God willing it can be sorted.

Vicy

@Vicy

I came across you post when I was looking for another old post. Bless you, you do need help & support. Don't really know where to ask for help, try gp, ms nurse & anywhere they suggest. Remember that YOU are important too. This has all happened to your husband, but it affects both of you. I'm a woman with long term ms, but only men are allowed to have viagra, despite the fact that it's the same nerve pathways that are affected. I agree with you, I miss sex. I miss having the closeness, the touch & the intimacy it brings. Make a noise & let your husband know how you feel & what you're scared of & what you find difficult. And BE the dominant partner once in a while. It must be really difficult to be both a wife & a carer & the person earning. Get help & good luck.

damian1971

@damian1971

Hi, I have just joined today and straight away I sympathise. try to just have naked cuddles and simply hold each other. You might find one thing leads to another. But don't lose the intimacy of being naked together. Don't suggest the " open" relationship . As a man myself, I can tell you your husband Already feels terrible about how he is towards you and probably gets stressed about you wanting to have affairs. Just try not to lose the intimacy.

oskar

@oskar

I found myself in a similar position a while back. I swallowed my pride and after looking at MS Trust website, I think it was, I went prepared. I compared my situation to a motor car - "I can get the revs up but when I disengage the clutch, I stall" I had read about Tadalafil and hey presto, problem over. There was absolutely nothing missing from my relationship before, just the inability to share physical intimacy.

sigmadelta

@sigmadelta

Tadalafil?? are you serious? its just a clone of Cialis, which is a clone of Viagra. MS causes a lack of libido, it's not a physical thing at all, so blood pressure enhancement drugs will not make any difference. Once the effects of MS have taken hold, and erections become less frequent,and less sustainable, a negative spiral starts. That is what needs to be addressed. I am pleased that Oskar found it so simple. But Stumbler is closer to the truth for most of us. Take away a man's ability to provide, and it hits him in the balls. MS is far more devious than we yet know, it seems to affect different things for everyone.

steveuk5

@steveuk5

Has anybody experience of tackling this the other way round? By this I mean, my wife has MS and I would rather reduce my own 'needs' and not ask of her when it's not a reciprocated desire. As a guy it is easy to find yourself loathing your own 'wants' and that becomes a perpetual problem that you end up letting be an issue in its own. Our relationship was full of chemistry between us, there is a sense of being haunted by what was when it was such a huge part of what made you both click.

potter

@potter

Our sex life is decent considering our situation and age, but we have found the naked cuddling to be very important. If my husband is interested an I am not, I get out the lotion, I know men can do this on there own but the physical touch between you and your wife is what's important. Potter