@bLeThEr89

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bLeThEr89

Young-ish relationships?

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 9 years, we were together for about 1.5 years when the MS hit bad, he stuck through it, not without upset, but here we are 9 years later, when we get into arguments it always reverts back to “I stuck with you through your illness” which I take on board, fair enough! But, I’m not sure I can take it anymore, doesn’t matter what we argue about, even if he’s in the wrong it always goes back to illness 🤔😫

ItsMewithMS

@ItsMewithMS

Sounds like something that could use some counseling...if not for both than maybe just for you to know how to deal with him...knowing that you can never really change anyone. While it is useless to turn this into a "blame game" it is important to remember that everyone comes with baggage. No one, by the time we enter into serious relationships, doesn't have a scar or two. I may be fortunate in that my husband was Dx with UC years before I was with MS. His mother died of colon cancer when he was 18 months old so that hit him pretty hard but I had no history with any digestive issues so I just said, ok, that doesn't sound so bad...what should you/we do? Thankfully he has largely managed the course of the disease by following a strict diet and reducing stress. I encouraged him to quit his stressful job and instead apply himself to fixing up our old house for sale and plan, design and then be very involved in the building and finishing of our current home. The amount he contributed to that in a large way replaced the salary he would have earned but put me out there as the lone breadwinner in a stressful job which also isn't good with the MS I was subsequently diagnosed with. But-yes the arguments can turn back to medical conditions which really isn't fair or right but, how it is. As my husband has largely managed his auto-immune disease via diet and exercise he still has the conviction that I should be able to as well. He used to propose at least a cure a week that I had to investigate and review with my Dr or nurse...it was exhausting. As his dietary changes have a relatively quick impact on his digestive system he also thinks that what I do today could impact my MS tomorrow...ughhh...Now I send him research showing him that the top two impacters on MS are stress (him included) and sleep (which he can also impact) and those are two things that I need help managing...once they are under control then I will move to diet and exercise...which can play into the first two. I suspect that the MS impact on relationships is a biggie...don't see how it can't be or at some point won't be...good luck! funny that the neuro never asks about that either...

Stumbler

@Stumbler

blether89 , it isn't easy maintaining a relationship after the "honeymoon period". Throw MS into the mix as well and it complicates everything. You need to have a serious talk with your partner regarding the future and whether you are both committed to it. What are your aspirations and are these compatible between you, do you both want the same things? It may be that the current environment of lockdown has just frustrated both of you. Partner abuse has increased under these conditions. Communicating is so important, so get these channels open between you. Join forces and workout how you're going to get through these extraordinary times.

sthurza

@sthurza

@blether89 I have been married for 27 years and was diagnosed 16 years ago with 2 children 4&8 at first he was supportive but me losing my ability to work was devastating mentally and now that my boys are 20&24 I wish I had left a long time ago because now I feel “stuck” so please don’t stay in a relationship if you have doubts about where it’s heading. Good Luck

Sonata

@Sonata

@blether89 I met someone in 2008 and we were immensely happy for the next 6 years. We got married in the 5th year. Then in the 6th year, I was diagnosed with MS and boom things changed dramatically. I was pretty ill throughout the first year and absolutely no support from my partner at all. They found it very hard and even harder to talk about it. I have always been very open and needed to talk about everything openly but they were the total opposite and then blamed me. For years I thought it was my fault 100%. It shouldn't be anything to do with blame but it happened. We went on like this for 5 years and then my partner disappeared for the night but eventually came back the next evening and stated they wanted to sell our house. My partner didn't have the guts to even say the word 'divorce' but that was what was really wanted. I remember being told during that awful time 'I never signed up to being your carer for later on'. I was astounded as they stated that they had been miserable for the last 5 years (throughout the entire marriage). I think they felt 'trapped' and didn't want to know about MS but to be free from any illness. I now live on my own but have a far better time than when I was in my marriage. It all boils down to communication. If one of you find it difficult to do this then further help is needed otherwise it spirals out of control... and can end up being a horrendous experience! I would try and sit down with him and reveal your feelings but with great dignity. In other words, don't ever raise your voice, keep very calm and softly spoken, ask him about his feelings and how he sees things. I did this throughout the divorce and it shocked them and we managed to sort things out fairly swiftly. It still ended up as a divorce but that was a good thing as definitely not the right partner for me. The very best of luck to you.

chezy17

@chezy17

I was with my ex for 15 years, had 2 children and he just decided that was it really and left for the greener grass. At the time, I was going through a relapse, didn't know I was going through a diagnosis. I just don't think he could handle the fact I had it. 4 years on, other than what's going on in the world, I'm doing great. My munchkins are finally settled and I'm ok other than feeling fatigue I'm good 😊. The munchkins still see their dad and I get a chance now to rest up and take time for me, guess that's all I really ever needed 🤷🏻‍♀️. Relationships can be tough but no-one should put that on you, we didn't cause us to get MS. Do what's best for you and look after yourself 😊.

bLeThEr89

@bLeThEr89

Thank you very much for amazing advice, it’s nice to know someone listens lol xxx