Sorry I haven’t been on here for so long. Right now I feel like only people who know what this illness is like and the daily battle it is can understand me and how I am feeling. I can be surrounded by people who say they love me and do what they think is best for me to show they care but yet feel so utterly and completely alone. I’m in the middle of a really crappy relapse at the moment and it is impossible to even put into words how utterly terrified this current relapse has made me feel. It’s just unfathomable to people without this illness how it makes you feel like your standing on the edge of a sheer drop waiting for the shove that sends you over the edge. I’m the absolute worst at feeling out of control and would say I’m a proper control freak. You know when you think you’ve felt the worst this illness is ever going to make you feel and the wham! Last week I developed foot drop in my left foot which nearly sent me flying down a flight of stairs. Three days later had me fall in the middle of the street and straight onto my left wrist and knees. Which was so embarrassing! I’m only 34 after all. By far the worst though has been this weird numbness in my neck that spread over the top of my head and right hand side of my face... but the pain! Anyone else not get the correlation between this thing altering your touch sensation but then having the ability to crucify you with the most immense pain. I can’t get comfortable any which way I sit or lay and the steroids have me feeling like utter turd. It’s affecting my already underlying Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which I was diagnosed with after suffering physical, emotional and sexual abuse as a child. Today I just haven’t been able to see the end to this. You know when you’re just in the thick of it and even seeing past the next minute of the crippling pain feels like too much to bare. You just want it to end and you never even wanted to live with this illness in the first place and you grieve for the life you had before you had the hospital appointments, drugs, MRI’s, lumber punctures and disease modifying drugs. When you just wish you could flip back and be like everyone else around you. I know this sounds so self pitying. I had just managed to get my life back together after my childhood and ending up in a domestically abusive marriage after never being taught through my childhood what healthy relationships look like and then got hit with the diagnosis of MS. I’m still working but struggle massively with guilt when I cannot be there. I know I need to snap out of this somehow and realise that today is just a s*** day and it will come to pass. It’s just so lonely not having people how truly know how this feels around. I love my fiancé but he doesn’t get it, if that makes sense. I so wish that we could all be free of ever having to feel like this and it has me so sad and feeling trapped right now.