Some reflective time today.
Good day everyone. Hope everyone is well and having a decent day today.
So have been doing a bit of reflecting today. This is exactly around the same time 4 years ago now that I had my first noticeable symptoms start of MS. But looking back it has probably been a lot longer then that due to some things that have been unexplained prior.
However since that fateful day as I look back from where I am today I find myself missing the old me. The resilient, fast paced, nonstop, go till you are done & hard working man I once was. Since that day my whole life and way of living has changed so dramatically. So dramatically that I don’t even really know who I am anymore.
I can’t walk without a cane now, I walk as slow as a turtle now which drives me completely insane cause I used to be able to walk a pretty good pace. The majority of the right side of my body is numb feeling. No hot/cold sensation In most of my body which is interesting all in itself.
What bothers me the most though is the amount of time that I have broken my promise to my family on different things. Whether it be because I am to tired, or it be because I hurt to much or it be because I just couldn’t get up for one reason or another another. I know they all understand in the long run. But in the moment when I see the look in there eyes it just hurts.
But like I said as I look back on it I have lost a lot of who I was and don’t think most of it will ever come back. Also with all the lost time that I have missed out on for different things. It is just so heart breaking. In many ways if feels like I am failing at this parenting gig and the family dynamics these days.
Guess I am just to much in my head today but from what I hear from people way smarter then myself (that don’t take much though to be honest about it) it is good to reflect no and then. It is the only way you learn. No idea what I am suppose to learn from the fact that I am not who I once was besides hurt and pain that this has caused on my loved ones. But maybe one day it will all make sense. Guess till then I just keep trying to figure it out.
Just stuck in a rut today and finding it hard to dig out.
Hope everyone has or had a fantastic day depending where you are on this massive rock hurtling through space and some crazy speed.
@shannon_devlaminck , you will always look back and feel sadness for one that has gone before. This is the same feeling with MS. We're only human and being human is a never-ending evolutionary process. We have to evolve to survive, which is what we do. There's nothing wrong in looking back. It allows us to prepare for what is to come in the future. And here endeth today's lesson in philosophy. You can't change history. You learn from it to make the future better. Your family are already stronger and better equipped for their future.
@shannon_devlaminck Funnily enough I have been experiencing something similar today...I think especially poignant as it's a celebration weekend where many of us probably aren't seeing the people we would usually see...I spent ages arranging an easter egg hunt for my little one in the garden and it wiped me out so much I really struggled to enjoy the rest of the day. I just got very cross at myself (and unfairly a bit grumpy at my husband 🙈) for not being able to do what I know I have done before and frightened and scared that I'm not who I used to be. HOWEVER, as my husband reminded me...we are in the weirdest of times where everything is magnified and that's all on top of our usual MS pain and anxieties. It's about muddling your way through and finding the new you, giving yourself a break and celebrating the small day to day victories. We are all probably guilty of being too hard on ourselves and self isolation only exacerbates it! Thankfully we are part of this amazing community where we all just 'get it' and as @carolelawrence says you're not on your own! Just take it one day at a time and for every bad day there's a new day to try again😊