Hello, I'm new to this site and thought I'd make an introduction and out myself as someone who had over ten years of denial before finally forcing myself to see a neurologist three years ago and after a LOT of thought start some treatment. I got my diagnosis when I was 22 (I'm 36 now) and quickly stopped seeing my neurologist as I was so upset I had had my diagnosis kept from me for at least six months. I realise this is what some neuros are advised to do however I'd felt it was patronising and with the shock of the diagnosis thought I'd find my own way. I dealt with the relapses by seeing a great acupuncturist which had the symptoms disappearing in days. After a pretty scary attack of optic neuritis where I feared I'd go blind I looked for other natural healing methods and found the Roger MacDougal diet of no gluten / dairy. As he'd had such dramatic results I started that fully confident I'd be seeing the back of MS pretty soon. I also quit alcohol as I had a bit of a 'party lifestyle' going on :) I was made more confident that from that day to this I've never had such dramatic and disabling relapses so I was sure I'd cracked it! In about 2008 I started noticing some small changes to my walking which I downplayed as I by this point didn't recognise my MS diagnosis as valid. I was dissatisfied by how the medical world explained it, felt they didn't really know what it was and was SURE they had nothing to offer me. I couldn't even bear the term 'MS' and would refuse to talk about it to anyone apart from a very few people on a need to know basis. In late 2012 I was beginning to see changes in my walking that I couldn't ignore. It was affecting my work (at that time a nursing assistant sometimes walking twelve hours a day on the ward) so I saw my GP citing 'back issues' and wanting an x-ray. I was very kindly treated by the GP who said that she thought it might be helpful for me to see the neurologist and maybe later look into a possible back issue. So in early 2013 I saw a neurologist and found it really traumatic as she recognised all my symptoms as MS. I really stumbled in the walking test and ended up in floods of tears. Poor woman didn't know what had hit her as I'd really held it together until then! Little did she know that eleven years of denial was being detonated in one go. I'd laid all my faith in healing naturally and now I was having to face that I was having walking issues and they had got worse despite my lifestyle changes and natural health approach. I thought I was ok but as I immediately stared calorie counting and fell half a stone underweight (control issues anyone? :) I could see that my world was upside down. Really it was like being diagnosed for the first time as when I had been diagnosed at 22 there was so much doubt for me I'd quickly downplayed it and found a 'cure' for myself to trust in. Fast forward three years. I really came to like my neurologist, I felt she really did care about me and although I've never liked the idea of medication she gave me the options and was never pushy. As my walking was showing signs of worsening (foot drop after a relatively short distance and a bit of a limp) I agreed to try medication which has minimal side effects so I've been taking Tecfidera for about a year. I've just agreed to take part in a treatment trial with the Royal London Hospital which adds low level epilepsy tablet to current medication. I had my first Lumbar Puncture for them last week. I've avoided them all these years and now I have to have four (!!!!) It was ok despite some normal needle in spine anxiety, very strange feeling while she was moving the needle around and ALL the side effects the next week but I'm happy to take part. I like to show willing so I'll be thought of when the stem cell trials turn up! :) So now, I still follow a diet which looks very restrictive but I find fine. No gluten, dairy, meat, eggs, alcohol or (much) refined sugar. I've committed to physio although I need to careful not to over do exercise as my walking is really affected if I do too much. Although I may accept now that diet isn't the 'cure' for MS I think it's still one of the most important things for health and it helps me feel like I'm doing something. I changed jobs a while ago and now do homeless/mental health support work three days a week in the community. It involves some walking around town but I manage it well by regular stops which prevents the major walking issues coming on at work (though I do get caught out sometimes). I caved in last year and got a blue disabled parking badge. Can you imagine? The disability denier putting a sign with a wheelchair on her car? :) :) :) The parking badge has changed my life and now I appreciate it SO MUCH. I've also changed in that I won't shut down conversations with friends and family who ask after my health. I'm different from the 22 year old who found discussing things intolerable. I'd say about half the people who know me know about my diagnosis. My approach now is that it's no longer a secret or a touchy subject. As I have a slight limp a colleague or two from my work asked me whether I had hurt myself and I ended up telling them and they were very positive. I let the managers know as well and they're really good about me needing to have days off for appointments etc. Perhaps the rest of my colleagues know but no one talks to me about it which I'm glad about. I still have an issue with the idea of being labelled so I'd downplay it anyway. The only place I ever get out my collapsible stick is if I'm going to London. It ensures I get offered a much needed seat on a busy train and keeps people from walking into me on the pavements. I still can't bring myself to use it anywhere I may see someone I know and am fortunate enough to get on OK without it (though it's easier with if I'm honest) So crawling out the safety of my denial has been a slow and evolving process. I'm still not entirely comfortable with it though I know I have to work positively with it rather than just refusing to engage at all. Which is why I'm here, writing epic posts in the evening! Jx x x